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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Little Butterball Holding Up Ice Cream Line

HARRISBURG, PA—According to witnesses who are sweating their nuts off, the line at the Baskin-Robbins is currently 12 people deep, thanks to an indecisive little butterball holding things up at the counter. Sources said the chubster, whose breath has almost completely fogged up the glass display case, already has chocolate on his shirt, and is now regarding the ice cream selection with the sort of glazed look typical of the heavily sedated. In the event that Mr. Porkpie ever makes up his mind, it is unlikely that he'll be able to reach into the pockets of his stretched-to-the-limit pants to pull out the money to oh my God, he just asked for another sample despite the fact that everybody in this goddamn line knows he's going to get the chocolate peanut butter. Store regulars said the situation wouldn't be so bad, but the manager had to run to the bank for change, leaving only Wendy behind the counter to wait on this sausage-boy, and she's no rocket scientist.

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