Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Little Caesars Marketing New Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza Directly To President

DETROIT—Touting the menu item as perfect for “commander-in-chief-sized cravings,” Little Caesars this week launched an extensive marketing campaign for its new Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza aimed directly at President Donald Trump. “Our sweet and savory Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza is the only meal that can satisfy the hunger of the nation’s highest office,” said a spokesperson in a new Little Caesars television spot, which aired several times during Thursday morning’s episode of Fox & Friends and featured multiple slow-motion close-up shots of thick brown gravy cascading onto a marshmallow-covered pizza while “Hail To The Chief” played in the background. “With dozens of perfectly toasted Jet-Puffed marshmallows bathed in rich sausage gravy and finished with crispy Cool Ranch Doritos crumbles all atop a large Classic Pepperoni pizza, our newest taste sensation is the perfect choice for a diplomatic lunch, state dinner, or when you get that late-night 3 a.m. hankering while checking social media. And with Little Caesars restaurants conveniently located throughout the D.C. and Palm Beach metro areas, you can have a slice of Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza whenever you like.” According to Little Caesars, the new item is available for $16.99 or as part of the $20.99 Executive Meal Deal along with a 48-ounce Dr Pepper and can of Duncan Hines cake frosting.

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