Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
End Of Section
  • More News

Little Caesars Marketing New Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza Directly To President

DETROIT—Touting the menu item as perfect for “commander-in-chief-sized cravings,” Little Caesars this week launched an extensive marketing campaign for its new Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza aimed directly at President Donald Trump. “Our sweet and savory Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza is the only meal that can satisfy the hunger of the nation’s highest office,” said a spokesperson in a new Little Caesars television spot, which aired several times during Thursday morning’s episode of Fox & Friends and featured multiple slow-motion close-up shots of thick brown gravy cascading onto a marshmallow-covered pizza while “Hail To The Chief” played in the background. “With dozens of perfectly toasted Jet-Puffed marshmallows bathed in rich sausage gravy and finished with crispy Cool Ranch Doritos crumbles all atop a large Classic Pepperoni pizza, our newest taste sensation is the perfect choice for a diplomatic lunch, state dinner, or when you get that late-night 3 a.m. hankering while checking social media. And with Little Caesars restaurants conveniently located throughout the D.C. and Palm Beach metro areas, you can have a slice of Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza whenever you like.” According to Little Caesars, the new item is available for $16.99 or as part of the $20.99 Executive Meal Deal along with a 48-ounce Dr Pepper and can of Duncan Hines cake frosting.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.