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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

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LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

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SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

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Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival

The clay thing.
The clay thing.

EUGENE, OR—A small, somewhat spherical clay thing with various types of decorations on it was purchased Friday at the ninth annual Eugene Arts Festival, sources confirmed.

The clay thing, which was covered in some sort of shiny glaze, was selected from a local artist's table that consisted of a number smaller and larger clay things, the majority of them also round. Reports indicated that in addition to the clay things, the display also included woven things, Native American things, and various hemp-pouch things.

The little clay thing was purchased for $7.

"This is nice," the clay thing's new owner John Tafferty said of the solid, two-pound object, which had been molded together to vaguely form a face, or possibly an ashtray. "I like this one a lot."

"It's neat," he added.

According to witnesses, Tafferty stared at, and held, a number of clay things before deciding on the little one he eventually purchased. Sources confirmed Tafferty was torn between two clay things, one with predominantly red paint on it and the other with blue paint.

Tafferty ultimately settled on the blue-colored clay thing.

"This was a good find," Tafferty said while holding the thing that has a couple tiny holes in it but is apparently not a whistle. "I was thinking about buying one of the bigger ones for $20, but I figured that was a little too steep. I'm happy with this."

When asked what he would do with his new thing, Tafferty told reporters he was uncertain, but sources close to the 37-year-old speculated the clay thing would be placed either on the desk shelf above his computer, on top of his bedroom dresser, or next to the dish in which he puts his car keys and loose change after returning from work.

However, other reports suggested the clay thing, which has this sort of yellow, molded flower thing coming out of it, could remain in a brown paper bag in the backseat of Tafferty's car for up to four months.

"I think my wife will like it," Tafferty said. "She likes things like this."

The Eugene Arts Festival, which runs through Sunday at the far end of the Fred Meyer grocery store parking lot on Division Avenue, consists of up to 30 thing-filled tables, and is a way for local artists to show off the glass, wicker, metal, vegan, wooden, small, large, oblong, and rectangular things they make.

The little clay thing, which appeared to have several small leg-like protrusions but may or may not be able to stand on its own, had reportedly been on sale at two other arts festivals prior to its acquisition by Tafferty.

Artist Emily Glonden, who made the thing, told reporters she enjoys making these types of things.

"I have some porcelain stuff, too," Glonden said. "All handmade. Take a look around. I can go as low as $25 on the [ceramic saucer- or dish-looking thing with a rotating swivel stick coming out of it]."

"It's one of my favorites," she added.

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