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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Little League Coach Reveals Creepy Method For Breaking In Baseball Mitt

KILLEEN, TX—Telling the assembled group of third-graders that they had to oil it down and tie it up real good, 38-year-old Killeen Kougars coach Dan Behling explained, in creepy detail, how to break in a baseball glove Monday. "A good glove will be with you for a long time, so you got to treat it like your girl," Behling said to the innocent 9-year-olds as they stared at their feet. "Don't use the cheap stuff. Get good oil. It'll feel tight at first, but just keep pounding and pounding. She'll loosen up." Despite their discomfort, members of the team were unable to argue with the method, which resulted in a smooth, supple glove that warmly caressed—rather than loosely hung off—the hand.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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