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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Little League Coach Reveals Creepy Method For Breaking In Baseball Mitt

KILLEEN, TX—Telling the assembled group of third-graders that they had to oil it down and tie it up real good, 38-year-old Killeen Kougars coach Dan Behling explained, in creepy detail, how to break in a baseball glove Monday. "A good glove will be with you for a long time, so you got to treat it like your girl," Behling said to the innocent 9-year-olds as they stared at their feet. "Don't use the cheap stuff. Get good oil. It'll feel tight at first, but just keep pounding and pounding. She'll loosen up." Despite their discomfort, members of the team were unable to argue with the method, which resulted in a smooth, supple glove that warmly caressed—rather than loosely hung off—the hand.

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