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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Little League Coaches' World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Though coaches for both the United States and Japanese Little League teams attempted to inspire their young squads before Sunday's championship game by evoking the memories of those who fought and died for their respective countries in World War II, the coaches' descriptive tales of conflict, suffering, and mass death left players almost incapable of taking the field. "Yeah, Japan carried out a sneak attack on an American territory and killed 2,000 people, but…So? Why is that important now? Why should I keep suicidal kamikaze aircraft in mind during the game?" said U.S. pitcher Kendall Scott, visibly shaken by coach Mickey Lay's speech. "And yes, then we dropped an atom bomb on 210,000 Japanese men, women, and children, but I—I just don't…I mean, why even bring that up?" Players from the Japanese team were equally traumatized when manager Youichi Kubo explained that many in his family perished in the atomic flames of Hiroshima, and that it was almost certainly their dying wish for him to win a Little League World Series.

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