Little League World Series Marred By Cutest Little Allegations Of Steroid Abuse

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Little League World Series Marred By Cutest Little Allegations Of Steroid Abuse

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Three players in the Little League World Series, two from West-region teams and one from the Southwest, tested positive for "cute little child-sized doses of performance-enhancing drugs" in the "most adorable little scandal" ever to rock youth baseball, Little League Baseball officials announced Monday. "Although the little scamps approached us and accepted full responsibility in the matter, I didn't know whether to hug the poor misguided kids or wring their beefy, pumped-up little necks." The scandal is considered the worst in Little League history, eclipsing even the Junior Black Sox of 1919, who intentionally lost their last game in exchange for $250 worth of ice cream.

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