After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Little League World Series Marred By Cutest Little Allegations Of Steroid Abuse

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Three players in the Little League World Series, two from West-region teams and one from the Southwest, tested positive for "cute little child-sized doses of performance-enhancing drugs" in the "most adorable little scandal" ever to rock youth baseball, Little League Baseball officials announced Monday. "Although the little scamps approached us and accepted full responsibility in the matter, I didn't know whether to hug the poor misguided kids or wring their beefy, pumped-up little necks." The scandal is considered the worst in Little League history, eclipsing even the Junior Black Sox of 1919, who intentionally lost their last game in exchange for $250 worth of ice cream.

After Birth

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