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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—After defeating a Japanese team 2-1 to win the Little League World Series, the 12-year-old champions from Huntington Beach, CA are, without a doubt, up to their ears in pussy, sources reported Friday. “They win the biggest game on the biggest stage—there’s no way they’re leaving the house without wading hip-deep in trim,” said LLWS color commentator Orel Hershiser, adding that every member of the team is probably getting his own wet right now. “The second a woman finds out she’s talking to a Little League World Series champ, she gets all flushed and will basically do anything. I’m talking the nastiest of stuff. With all that puss in their faces, I just hope those kids can breathe.” Current major-league player and former Little League World Series winner Jason Varitek told reporters he got more pussy after winning the 1984 championship than at any other point in his life, and said the kids should just enjoy it while it lasts.

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