Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now

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Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
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Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—After defeating a Japanese team 2-1 to win the Little League World Series, the 12-year-old champions from Huntington Beach, CA are, without a doubt, up to their ears in pussy, sources reported Friday. “They win the biggest game on the biggest stage—there’s no way they’re leaving the house without wading hip-deep in trim,” said LLWS color commentator Orel Hershiser, adding that every member of the team is probably getting his own wet right now. “The second a woman finds out she’s talking to a Little League World Series champ, she gets all flushed and will basically do anything. I’m talking the nastiest of stuff. With all that puss in their faces, I just hope those kids can breathe.” Current major-league player and former Little League World Series winner Jason Varitek told reporters he got more pussy after winning the 1984 championship than at any other point in his life, and said the kids should just enjoy it while it lasts.

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