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Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Little League World Series Winners Must Be Getting Tons Of Pussy Right Now

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—After defeating a Japanese team 2-1 to win the Little League World Series, the 12-year-old champions from Huntington Beach, CA are, without a doubt, up to their ears in pussy, sources reported Friday. “They win the biggest game on the biggest stage—there’s no way they’re leaving the house without wading hip-deep in trim,” said LLWS color commentator Orel Hershiser, adding that every member of the team is probably getting his own wet right now. “The second a woman finds out she’s talking to a Little League World Series champ, she gets all flushed and will basically do anything. I’m talking the nastiest of stuff. With all that puss in their faces, I just hope those kids can breathe.” Current major-league player and former Little League World Series winner Jason Varitek told reporters he got more pussy after winning the 1984 championship than at any other point in his life, and said the kids should just enjoy it while it lasts.

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