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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Little Leaguer Admits It Would Be 'Pretty Cool' To Kill Someone With Line Drive

BEDFORD, NH—Amidst consideration of new safety regulations that would ban the use of aluminum bats in Little League competition, a small but outspoken minority of players including Bedford's Jeff Priest are fascinated by the prospect of taking another player's life with a well-hit baseball. "Sure, it'd be tragic, and I'd hate for it to happen to me or anyone I know, " said Priest, thoughtfully running his hands over the aluminum bat he used last season, "but to see, say, the pitcher go down for good after your batted ball hit him in the head, or maybe right above his heart… I just think it's something you'd never forget is all." Priest's teammates generally agreed that the experience would be "pretty cool," but declined his subsequent invitation to throw him some batting practice.

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