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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room

PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, office sources confirmed. “Hold on, let me go somewhere quiet,” said the cowering excuse for a man while scampering like a little bitch into an unoccupied conference room where he could hold his oh-so-precious conversation without fear of coworkers overhearing. “Sorry about that. You there? Okay, good.” At press time, the company’s sales team had entered the conference room for a meeting, forcing the gabby, ball-less weakling to emit a girly little sigh and puss out altogether by saying he would call the other person back later.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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