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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room

PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, office sources confirmed. “Hold on, let me go somewhere quiet,” said the cowering excuse for a man while scampering like a little bitch into an unoccupied conference room where he could hold his oh-so-precious conversation without fear of coworkers overhearing. “Sorry about that. You there? Okay, good.” At press time, the company’s sales team had entered the conference room for a meeting, forcing the gabby, ball-less weakling to emit a girly little sigh and puss out altogether by saying he would call the other person back later.

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