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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room

PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, office sources confirmed. “Hold on, let me go somewhere quiet,” said the cowering excuse for a man while scampering like a little bitch into an unoccupied conference room where he could hold his oh-so-precious conversation without fear of coworkers overhearing. “Sorry about that. You there? Okay, good.” At press time, the company’s sales team had entered the conference room for a meeting, forcing the gabby, ball-less weakling to emit a girly little sigh and puss out altogether by saying he would call the other person back later.

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