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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Liu Xiaobo - Going To Be Pretty Tough For The Chinese Government To Kill Now

Nobel Peace Prize Winner

For his tireless crusade against single-party rule, writer, activist, and political prisoner Liu Xiaobo won this year's Nobel Peace Prize, making it pretty tough for Chinese leaders to surreptitiously kill him now.

Liu, who is currently serving an 11-year sentence for subversion, has inspired millions fighting for human rights across the globe, and severely complicated any efforts on Beijing's part to quietly eliminate him and suppress his pro-democracy message by making it look as though he choked on some stale bread.

Chinese leaders, who consider Liu to be a threat to civil order, must be pretty peeved right about now that his high-profile status has all but ruled out the possibility of anyone believing he would suddenly commit suicide, and has ensured a fatal fall down the stairs would just look amateurish and ridiculous. Moreover, when Liu's wife was allowed to visit him following the prize announcement, the government's hands were essentially tied as far as physically harming her goes, which is a major pain for them. Given Liu's newfound celebrity, there is little Chinese officials can do but hope for a lightning strike on his cell, or an extremely localized meteor impact during the daily outdoor exercise period.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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