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Liu Xiaobo - Going To Be Pretty Tough For The Chinese Government To Kill Now

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Liu Xiaobo - Going To Be Pretty Tough For The Chinese Government To Kill Now

Nobel Peace Prize Winner

For his tireless crusade against single-party rule, writer, activist, and political prisoner Liu Xiaobo won this year's Nobel Peace Prize, making it pretty tough for Chinese leaders to surreptitiously kill him now.

Liu, who is currently serving an 11-year sentence for subversion, has inspired millions fighting for human rights across the globe, and severely complicated any efforts on Beijing's part to quietly eliminate him and suppress his pro-democracy message by making it look as though he choked on some stale bread.

Chinese leaders, who consider Liu to be a threat to civil order, must be pretty peeved right about now that his high-profile status has all but ruled out the possibility of anyone believing he would suddenly commit suicide, and has ensured a fatal fall down the stairs would just look amateurish and ridiculous. Moreover, when Liu's wife was allowed to visit him following the prize announcement, the government's hands were essentially tied as far as physically harming her goes, which is a major pain for them. Given Liu's newfound celebrity, there is little Chinese officials can do but hope for a lightning strike on his cell, or an extremely localized meteor impact during the daily outdoor exercise period.

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