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Live Cow Lowered Onto Floor Of U.S. House Of Representatives

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Live Cow Lowered Onto Floor Of U.S. House Of Representatives

WASHINGTON—Cautiously maneuvering the animal above Congressional chambers as a chorus of snarls and growls erupted from below, U.S. Capitol handlers carried out routine legislative feeding procedures this morning by lowering a live cow onto the floor of the House of Representatives. “All right, chow time!” shouted a feeding supervisor, who lowered the 800-pound heifer into the baying horde of lawmakers and then waited around 30 seconds for the sounds of panic and gnashing teeth to die down before lifting the animal’s skeletonized remains back up from the floor. “Let’s bring ’er up, fellas. Whoo-weee! Looks like they were hungry today, yes sir!” At press time, sources reported the blood-soaked legislators had resumed their scheduled hearing on H.R. 3193.

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