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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Live Cow Lowered Onto Floor Of U.S. House Of Representatives

WASHINGTON—Cautiously maneuvering the animal above Congressional chambers as a chorus of snarls and growls erupted from below, U.S. Capitol handlers carried out routine legislative feeding procedures this morning by lowering a live cow onto the floor of the House of Representatives. “All right, chow time!” shouted a feeding supervisor, who lowered the 800-pound heifer into the baying horde of lawmakers and then waited around 30 seconds for the sounds of panic and gnashing teeth to die down before lifting the animal’s skeletonized remains back up from the floor. “Let’s bring ’er up, fellas. Whoo-weee! Looks like they were hungry today, yes sir!” At press time, sources reported the blood-soaked legislators had resumed their scheduled hearing on H.R. 3193.

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