Live-In Boyfriend Like The Deadbeat Dad Kids Never Had

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After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

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Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

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Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Live-In Boyfriend Like The Deadbeat Dad Kids Never Had

ABILENE, TX—Earl "Trey" Shaker, 34, the live-in boyfriend of single mother May Anne Wyatt, 37, is like the deadbeat dad her four children never had, family sources reported Monday.

Shaker, Dillon, and Merle in the home they now share.

"Trey is a great role model for my kids," said Wyatt, who has not had a man in and out of her house since 1994, when her live-in boyfriend Hank LaRue was convicted of grand larceny. "Trey lies on the couch and don't get himself into no trouble. Sure, he ain't worked in six months, but now there's someone around to look after the kids while I'm at work."

Wyatt, a waitress on weekdays and a gas-station attendant on weekends, said that, until Shaker moved into her two-bedroom apartment in February, her children had never had the benefit of a male influence in and out of their lives. All that has changed for Madellynne Jo, 12, Dillon, 11, Merle, 7, and Sunshine, 5, who now spend most Saturdays sitting on the couch watching TV with Shaker as he makes his way through a six-pack of Coors Light.

"I love watching Trey with the kids," said Wyatt, who met Shaker at a local tavern in October 2004. "He'll toss Sunshine up in the air until she wets her pants laughing. And one night last January, he helped Merle with his homework. Sure, sometimes he roams off for a few days. But he always comes back sooner or later."

Although members of Wyatt's extended family have complained that Shaker doesn't have a steady source of income and doesn't provide the children with much-needed discipline, Wyatt was quick to disagree.

"Oh no, Trey can be real strict, especially after he's been drinking," Wyatt said. "If the kids draw on the wall with crayon, play with his gas cans, or spill his beer, he'll get after them with the belt."

Wyatt said her children had little difficulty accepting Shaker's role as the head of the house when he is home.

"Sometimes the kids will sass back and say things like, 'You're not my real daddy,' or, 'I hate Mommy for letting you move in,'" Wyatt said. "Kids will be kids, but deep down, I know they love Trey as much as I do."

Shaker supervises Wyatt's boys.

According to Wyatt, her children have learned a lot from Shaker.

"Trey taught Dillon how to steal cable, and he taught little Merle how to get a bonfire going in the yard," Wyatt said. "The other day, he taught Sunshine to ride her first bike, and when she went rolling off into that pile of sheet metal and cut up her leg, Trey wrapped his favorite bandanna around the cut to stop the bleeding."

Wyatt's children expressed generally positive opinions of Shaker.

"Trey finishes all the PlayStation games first, and before I get a chance to catch up, he trades them for a different one," said Dillon. "But he never hits Mom or locks her out of the house, so I guess he's better than when Mom had overnight guests."

Madellynne said Shaker is "creepy."

"Trey's whiskers make him look scary, and some days, he never changes out of his robe," Madellynne said. "He always eats all the chips, and it's hard to watch television because he snores so loud. My friend Tamara says he looks like a guy who would work in a coal mine, but I can't really picture him working."

Family sources agree that Shaker seems to make Wyatt happy.

"I guess Trey's nice to Mom," Madellynne said. "He bought her 35 gallons of propane the other day, just out of the blue. It wasn't even her birthday."

Wyatt said Shaker makes her household complete.

"It's good to have a man sometimes around—someone who can reach a box of taco shells on the top shelf," Wyatt said. "Even though he pretty much never gets up to reach anything except for that goddamn remote, it's still nice knowing that he could reach up high if he wanted to. I feel like, with Trey here, we finally got a real family like everybody else. And if he does run off every now and again, well, that's what dads do."

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