Livestock Happiest, Healthiest Attendees Of State Fair

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CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.
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Livestock Happiest, Healthiest Attendees Of State Fair

INDIANAPOLIS—Based on criteria ranging from frequency of exercise to wholesomeness of diet to general contentment, reports confirmed Tuesday that the livestock on display at the 2014 Indiana State Fair are by far the happiest and healthiest attendees anywhere on the premises. “Hey, look at that cow over there,” one fairgoer reportedly said, pointing out a prize-winning Hereford that, along with the several dozen other farm animals nearby, was more physically active, satisfied, alert, and more recently bathed than any human on the 250-acre fairgrounds. “Whoa, he’s a big fella. Get a picture of me with the cow.” Sources confirmed that, compared to other fair attendees, the livestock ate less food off the ground as well.

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