Liz Taylor In Stable Condition Following Emergency Rhinestonectomy

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Vol 31 Issue 09

Tom Bosley Named Secretary Of Naps

WASHINGTON, DC—Beloved veteran actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries, was appointed U.S. Secretary of Naps Tuesday. "I think the American people can be comfortable with Mr. Bosley's solid record on napping," President Clinton said. "He will serve our nation's napping interests well." Bosley's platform includes a 20-minute snooze at his desk during daylight hours, an occasional dozing-off toward the end of the day, and prolonged weekend lie-downs at home in the early evening hours, when, Bosley said, "I tend to get really sleepy."

Twentysomething Generation Turns 35

AUSTIN, TX—Advertising agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the "twentysomething generation" is now 35. According to the report, the twentysomethings are no longer 20- to 29-year-olds who wear ripped flannel shirts and "hang out" on college campuses. Most are now married and have full-time jobs. Todd Leaks, an Austin-area twentysomething, recently turned 36. "I was 28 when that book Generation X came out," he said. "Man, that was a while ago already." Labels previously ascribed to the twentysomethings, such as "Generation X" and "slackers," have now been transferred to those Americans born between 1968 and 1977, who have also adopted the clothing styles and musical tastes of the twentysomethings.

Visa Fires Bob Dole

NEW YORK—Credit-card giant Visa announced Tuesday that Bob Dole has been dropped from its current "No ID" advertising campaign. "The American people were just not responding to Bob Dole," Visa director of corporate communications Ron Landau said. "People found him to be depressing." When asked how he felt about being fired, Dole said, "I can say my line differently if you want. Tell me how I'm supposed to say my line." He then burst into tears.

Congress Approves $15 Billion MediCruelty

WASHINGTON, DC—With a rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical care, Congress approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of health care which focuses on cruelty toward the elderly. "Care is very expensive," Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) said. "It will be much more cost-effective in the long run to be cruel to the elderly." The system will offer seniors Emergency Neglect Service, a 24-hour toll-free number that will connect to nowhere. Clearwater, FL, resident Gladys Rankin, 72, is already among the first recipients of MediCruelty. A rare bone disease has rendered her immobile, and treatments for her condition are very expensive. Under Medi-Cruelty, she was left outside her senior center near a back-alley dumpster Tuesday. "My bones hurt," Rankin said.

Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

MOSCOW—Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold," Kremlin official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for days." The new agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the development of a technologically advanced, fully modernized nation-state capable of leading Europe into the 21st century. If the firewood plan is successful, within five years Russian leaders hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and soap. "Do you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."

Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?

Rules Grammar Change

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead there will a new form of organizing sentences be.

EPA: Recycling Eliminated More Than 50 Million Tons Of Guilt In '96

WASHINGTON, DC—According to an Environmental Protection Agency report released Monday, nationwide recycling efforts eliminated more than 50 million tons of guilt in 1996. The figure represents the greatest reduction in consumption-related guilt among the American populace in over a decade.
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Liz Taylor In Stable Condition Following Emergency Rhinestonectomy

LOS ANGELES—It was a return to the days of old-fashioned Hollywood surgical glamour Saturday, as Elizabeth Taylor was rushed to Yul Brynner Memorial Hospital for an emergency rhinestonectomy.

Liz Taylor greets the press and adoring fans following surgery to remove years of excess jewel build-up in her brain.

"Years of trinket build-up, in which millions of bits of jewelry and various other baubles collected within Miss Taylor's brainpan, had caused a rhinestone of life-threatening size to develop in her cerebral cortex," Dr. Richard Ambrose, the media-dubbed "Surgeon To The Stars," told reporters.

Surgeons worked heroically to save the life of the still-stunning 65-year-old star of Butterfield 8 and Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, anesthetizing her with champagne mimosas before unlatching her breathtaking face for safe keeping and entering the brain cavity to remove the golf ball-sized rhinestone.

The dazzling rhinestone will be auctioned at Sotheby's later this month to benefit AIDS research, a spokesperson for Taylor said.

A team of five top medical professionals was required for the procedure, including two anesthesiologist/bartenders, two neurological surgeons and an additional doctor whose job was to stare lovingly into Taylor's legendary violet eyes.

"Fortunately, we were able to remove the immense, glittering mass without doing any damage to Miss Taylor's beautiful hair," Ambrose said. "That's because her extensively reconstructed nose has, at this point, become so elastic that a human fist can be directly inserted into the brain via the sinus passages."

A virtual Who's Who of the Hollywood elite showed up for the gala neurosurgical event.

"We're so glad that Liz pulled through," said a teary-eyed Nicole Kidman, who attended the rhinestonectomy with husband Tom Cruise and fellow Hollywood power couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston. "And have you tried the paté? Its simply sinful!"

"I first fell in love with Liz when I was 11 years old, when I saw her in International Velvet," star of stage and screen Nathan Lane said. "And let me tell you, she looked more gorgeous than ever today under that knife."

The 16-hour procedure consisted of eight hours of surgery plus dinner; dancing; a video tribute to Taylor, narrated by Paul Newman; and a special celebrity fund-raising equestrian event. Though paparazzi were banned from the exclusive black-tie medical procedure, some two dozen press helicopters hovered overhead, hoping to snap a photo of the Queen of Glamour's major neurosurgery, which was held in Yul Brynner Memorial Hospital's brand-new, $150 million open-air atrium.

The operation represents Taylor's most serious health crisis since May 1994, when doctors performed an emergency husbosuction to remove massive husbidinal residue—which had accumulated over the course of the star's 22 marriages—from her chest cavity. The amount of husbandic tissue removed was enough to form homunculi of seven adult men, three of which are Richard Burton and are now alive and well in the Southern California area.

After successful completion of the surgery, Taylor was returned to her private berth at the the exclusive Santa Fortuna Pacific Yacht Club for after-surgery drinks and recuperation.

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