adBlockCheck

Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location

The really pretty balls-out mulch location
The really pretty balls-out mulch location

ST. CLOUD, MN—Onlookers expressed shock and grudging admiration Wednesday after noticing a full load of mulch had been dumped in what all agreed was a pretty ballsy location.

The 50 pounds of compost was reportedly shoveled onto the extremely unorthodox spot either Monday afternoon or early Tuesday morning. Though the identity of the individual who dumped the mulch there is not yet known, sources confirmed that whoever he is, he's got a real set of stones down there.

"It takes some serious balls to just plop down a bunch of mulch like that," 46-year-old resident Dave Bailey said. "Can you honestly believe this guy put it on that gradient that close to those birch trees? The whole fucking load, too. Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?"

"I'll tell you this much: He's out of his goddamn mind," Bailey continued. "He's got a swinging pair of balls the size of grapefruits, no question, but he's out of his goddamn mind."

Others echoed Bailey's comments and offered a mix of praise and skepticism, saying that while they admire the moxie it took to dump the moisture-retaining wood shavings in a place no one else would have considered in a million years, factors such as the weekend weather forecast and rapid weed growth suggested the decision could ultimately come back and blow up in the crazy bastard's face.

"If you want my honest opinion, I think this guy's making a huge mistake with that mulch," said witness Bill Kerning, adding that when it comes to laying down mulch, the last thing you should do is get cocky or try to be a hero about it. "Then again, how can you not have a certain amount of respect for a guy who just swings for the fences like that? You definitely got to hand it to anybody who doesn't give a single fuck about what people think of his mulch-dumping choices."

"And if this whole insane plan somehow pays off, he'll be the one having the last laugh while we stand here looking like the assholes," Kerning added.

Kerning went on to point out the literally dozens of other, totally reasonable places the mulch could have been dumped. However, after being informed later that another 75 pounds of mulch had been shoveled onto the same bughouse-crazy location, Kerning smiled, shook his head, and muttered to himself, "That goddamned sonofabitch. That crazy, brass-balled sonofabitch."

While many have been quick to dismiss the act of dumping nearly $120 worth of premium garden mulch onto what may be the gutsiest spot imaginable, others have questioned whether they could actually be in the presence of a mulching visionary.

"What if this guy's thinking on some entirely different plane and we just don't realize it?" St. Cloud–area claims adjuster James Werner said. "Who's to say in five years time we won't all be dumping humongous piles of mulch all willy-nilly in balls-out locations like that? I hate to admit it, but maybe he's just three steps ahead of the rest of us."

"Quite frankly, I wish I had the 16-pound set of bowling balls this guy has," Werner added. "But I think being able to just say 'fuck it' and put mulch wherever the hell you please is either in your DNA or it isn't."

At press time, that ballsy freak was pulling right up to the gazebo with another fucking truckload of mulch, for Christ's sake.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close