Local Airhead Wants To Work With Kids

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.
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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Local Airhead Wants To Work With Kids

KENANSVILLE, NC–Local airhead Tara Shore, a newly enrolled student at James Sprunt Community College, announced Monday that she "totally want[s] to work with kids."

Kenansville, NC, airhead Tara Shore, who says she has "so much" to give to children.

"Children are so important because, if you think about it, they're our future," the 20-year-old Shore said. "Kids have the biggest hearts, and if we just give them the freedom to dream and explore, they may even grow up to run the country someday."

After graduating from Kenansville High School in May 1998 in the top 70 percent of her class, the ditz spent 18 months working as a hostess at an Applebee's restaurant in nearby Everton.

"I really loved my job," said Shore, moving her scrunchie from her ponytail to her wrist. "That's because I love working with people, which is what I got to do at Applebee's, and I met all sorts of people, because all different kinds of people come to eat at restaurants. But what I really, really, really want to do is work with younger people, like children."

Deciding it was time to make her move, on Jan. 10, Shore matriculated at JSCC.

"I went back to school so I could reach out and give something of myself to others," Shore said. "By devoting my life to kids, I'll get the opportunity to touch so many lives."

JSCC academic advisor Rita Yeardley is assisting Shore in her pursuit.

"I got Tara signed up for some basic requirement classes this semester, and I told her that later she can decide between certified daycare, K-3 education, or even physical therapy or nursing with a emphasis on pediatrics," Yeardley said. "That's a lot of different options, and she seemed a little confused when I ran through them, so I may have to go over it with her again at some point."

To her advantage, Shore already has "tons" of experience working with children. "My sister Megan has two kids, Ashley and Andrew, and I just love them to pieces," Shore said. "Whenever Megan goes out, I babysit for her, and me and Ashley and Andrew just have a complete blast. Sometimes, I seriously think I have more fun playing with blocks and coloring than they do. I just get so into it. My friends say I'm still totally a six-year-old at heart."

According to Shore, adults have just as much to learn from children as children do from adults.

"Some people think that just because kids are young, they aren't very smart. But that's not true," Shore said. "They know all sorts of things. Like, there's this little boy who lives next door to me, and he was telling me all these facts about the stars and the planets and stuff. I was like, 'You should totally grow up to be an astrologer! I know you can. I believe in you.'"

"I don't agree with Hillary Clinton about how it takes a village to raise a child," Shore added. "I think kids can grow up anywhere, even in the city, just as long as there are parents and grown-ups around to help guide them."

Shore said she plans have a child of her own someday.

"I grew up in a family, so I'd definitely want one of my own at some point," the airhead said. "Of course, I'm not ready to have a kid right now or anything. They're such a huge responsibility."

Shore's boyfriend, Rodney Ingersoll, a 21-year-old physical-therapy major at JSCC, said he supports her "100 percent."

"People assume that because Tara's so hot, she's not deep," Ingersoll said. "But once you talk to her, you find out there's a lot going on inside. She could have any job she wants, but she's choosing to help children. That's so cool of her."

Best of all, Shore's goal of working with children is compatible with Ingersoll's dream of one day moving to Hawaii.

"I just love the water. It's like I was born to be in the water," Shore said. "Hawaii is so magical and tropical, it's like you're in a whole different country or something. Plus, I'm sure they have kids there, so I could realize all of my career dreams and still get an amazing tan."

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