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Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

SILVER SPRING, MD–Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, local anorexic Lisa Kimmel is still way too fat, it was reported Monday.

Silver Spring, MD, anorexic Lisa Kimmel, who could stand to lose a few pounds.

"I can't believe how gross I look," said the corpulent Kimmel, examining herself in a full-length bathroom mirror. "I am such a whale."

Pinching her bulky, misshapen body, Kimmel expressed frustration with her inability to transform herself into a reasonably svelte person.

"I eat celery, I drink only water or Diet Coke, I do three hours on the Stairmaster every day," she said. "But despite all that, I've still got, like, these huge rolls of fat all over."

Though Kimmel could stand to lose a few pounds in nearly every area of her body, worst of all are her arms. "I've got this totally disgusting flab on the back of my arms that swings back and forth when I move," said Kimmel, wearing an oversized Champion sweatshirt to conceal her obesity. "My arms totally look like my grandmother's."

Making matters worse is the fact that Kimmel's mother wants her to be overweight, constantly trying to get her to eat fatty foods like ravioli, mashed potatoes and broiled chicken with the skin still on. Other family members, as well as Kimmel's friends and doctors, also entreat her to eat because they want her to be fat, repulsive and unliked.

"Losing weight is hard enough–you faint, you vomit, you stop menstruating–but it's even harder when you don't have the support of the people around you," she said. "Even when I did lose 25 pounds, my friends were so jealous, telling me I looked terrible. And my mom is the worst of all. She's just afraid that if I'm thin and beautiful, it'll make her look bad."

Added Kimmel: "I'm so sick of everyone trying to control me–my mom, my therapist, the paramedics. They don't have to live in this horrible body–I do."

When she began dieting three years ago, Kimmel estimated that she would need to lose 10 pounds to be able to show her body in public. That estimate has proven wrong, as, to date, she has lost nearly 35 pounds and is still obese.

"Just five more pounds, and maybe I won't want to throw up every time I look at myself in the mirror," Kimmel said. "God, even my ribs look fat."

Determined to achieve her goal of being normal-looking, Kimmel has stepped up her diet and exercise regimen in recent weeks. In addition to reducing her rice-cake intake to two a day, she has eliminated all high-calorie foods from her diet, including microwave popcorn, frozen yogurt and salad with ranch dressing.

"I guess I've been doing okay on my diet, but I could be doing better," Kimmel said. "Like, a lot of times I'll cheat and have a snack between breakfast and dinner."

Kimmel has also severed ties with a number of her closest friends because they made it impossible for her to stick to her diet, constantly pressuring her to go out to dinner or have a piece of gum.

"I don't mind not having friends," Kimmel said. "After all, I really don't deserve any until I'm not so embarrassing to be seen with."

Despite all the years she's spent battling her weight without results, Kimmel remains confident that one day she will be able to get it under control.

"I bought a bag of Skittles," Kimmel said. "If I only eat 15 today and 15 tomorrow and 15 the next day, maybe by the end of the week I'll look better."

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