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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

SILVER SPRING, MD–Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, local anorexic Lisa Kimmel is still way too fat, it was reported Monday.

Silver Spring, MD, anorexic Lisa Kimmel, who could stand to lose a few pounds.

"I can't believe how gross I look," said the corpulent Kimmel, examining herself in a full-length bathroom mirror. "I am such a whale."

Pinching her bulky, misshapen body, Kimmel expressed frustration with her inability to transform herself into a reasonably svelte person.

"I eat celery, I drink only water or Diet Coke, I do three hours on the Stairmaster every day," she said. "But despite all that, I've still got, like, these huge rolls of fat all over."

Though Kimmel could stand to lose a few pounds in nearly every area of her body, worst of all are her arms. "I've got this totally disgusting flab on the back of my arms that swings back and forth when I move," said Kimmel, wearing an oversized Champion sweatshirt to conceal her obesity. "My arms totally look like my grandmother's."

Making matters worse is the fact that Kimmel's mother wants her to be overweight, constantly trying to get her to eat fatty foods like ravioli, mashed potatoes and broiled chicken with the skin still on. Other family members, as well as Kimmel's friends and doctors, also entreat her to eat because they want her to be fat, repulsive and unliked.

"Losing weight is hard enough–you faint, you vomit, you stop menstruating–but it's even harder when you don't have the support of the people around you," she said. "Even when I did lose 25 pounds, my friends were so jealous, telling me I looked terrible. And my mom is the worst of all. She's just afraid that if I'm thin and beautiful, it'll make her look bad."

Added Kimmel: "I'm so sick of everyone trying to control me–my mom, my therapist, the paramedics. They don't have to live in this horrible body–I do."

When she began dieting three years ago, Kimmel estimated that she would need to lose 10 pounds to be able to show her body in public. That estimate has proven wrong, as, to date, she has lost nearly 35 pounds and is still obese.

"Just five more pounds, and maybe I won't want to throw up every time I look at myself in the mirror," Kimmel said. "God, even my ribs look fat."

Determined to achieve her goal of being normal-looking, Kimmel has stepped up her diet and exercise regimen in recent weeks. In addition to reducing her rice-cake intake to two a day, she has eliminated all high-calorie foods from her diet, including microwave popcorn, frozen yogurt and salad with ranch dressing.

"I guess I've been doing okay on my diet, but I could be doing better," Kimmel said. "Like, a lot of times I'll cheat and have a snack between breakfast and dinner."

Kimmel has also severed ties with a number of her closest friends because they made it impossible for her to stick to her diet, constantly pressuring her to go out to dinner or have a piece of gum.

"I don't mind not having friends," Kimmel said. "After all, I really don't deserve any until I'm not so embarrassing to be seen with."

Despite all the years she's spent battling her weight without results, Kimmel remains confident that one day she will be able to get it under control.

"I bought a bag of Skittles," Kimmel said. "If I only eat 15 today and 15 tomorrow and 15 the next day, maybe by the end of the week I'll look better."

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

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