Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 08

Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the savings Americans are losing with every call they make using other carriers, I knew something had to be done," Miller said. "I could not stand by in good conscience while millions of innocent people went uninformed about which long-distance service offers the best rates." Added Miller: "The madness must end. All calls up to 20 minutes are just 99 cents."

Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits. "One of these days, my agent is going to land me a TV or movie role and get me out of this living nightmare," said Jonathan Belinsky, gluing whiskers onto his face and wriggling into a fur-covered bodysuit for his role as Mr. Mistoffolees. "I can't take much more of this." Stephanie Watrous, who has played Jennyanydots for eight agonizing years, said, "Each day, I pray for sweet release from the hideous quasi-feline mockery that my life has become. Where are we today? Spokane?" Six suicides have plagued the touring company in the past year, with three of them occurring during performances of the song "Memory."

Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. "After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack," said St. Joseph's Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. "He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store." Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition.

Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a half-hour of sodomy with prostitute Chantel LaRue during a business trip to Dallas last week, magically turned the sexual encounter into a stack of colorful, easy-to-read pie charts created at Kinko's for a presentation to clients. Furness was reimbursed $58.93 for the tryst.

Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?

Many Civil War Reenactments, Sadly, Are Still Not Handicap Accessible

There's nothing quite like a Civil War reenactment. Dressing in the woolen uniform of the period, eating hardtack and bacon, and firing black-powder rifles, we are transported back to those darkest of hours when our nation was nearly rent asunder by armed conflict. Brother against brother. Father against son. Oh, what a time it was!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

SILVER SPRING, MD–Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, local anorexic Lisa Kimmel is still way too fat, it was reported Monday.

Silver Spring, MD, anorexic Lisa Kimmel, who could stand to lose a few pounds.

"I can't believe how gross I look," said the corpulent Kimmel, examining herself in a full-length bathroom mirror. "I am such a whale."

Pinching her bulky, misshapen body, Kimmel expressed frustration with her inability to transform herself into a reasonably svelte person.

"I eat celery, I drink only water or Diet Coke, I do three hours on the Stairmaster every day," she said. "But despite all that, I've still got, like, these huge rolls of fat all over."

Though Kimmel could stand to lose a few pounds in nearly every area of her body, worst of all are her arms. "I've got this totally disgusting flab on the back of my arms that swings back and forth when I move," said Kimmel, wearing an oversized Champion sweatshirt to conceal her obesity. "My arms totally look like my grandmother's."

Making matters worse is the fact that Kimmel's mother wants her to be overweight, constantly trying to get her to eat fatty foods like ravioli, mashed potatoes and broiled chicken with the skin still on. Other family members, as well as Kimmel's friends and doctors, also entreat her to eat because they want her to be fat, repulsive and unliked.

"Losing weight is hard enough–you faint, you vomit, you stop menstruating–but it's even harder when you don't have the support of the people around you," she said. "Even when I did lose 25 pounds, my friends were so jealous, telling me I looked terrible. And my mom is the worst of all. She's just afraid that if I'm thin and beautiful, it'll make her look bad."

Added Kimmel: "I'm so sick of everyone trying to control me–my mom, my therapist, the paramedics. They don't have to live in this horrible body–I do."

When she began dieting three years ago, Kimmel estimated that she would need to lose 10 pounds to be able to show her body in public. That estimate has proven wrong, as, to date, she has lost nearly 35 pounds and is still obese.

"Just five more pounds, and maybe I won't want to throw up every time I look at myself in the mirror," Kimmel said. "God, even my ribs look fat."

Determined to achieve her goal of being normal-looking, Kimmel has stepped up her diet and exercise regimen in recent weeks. In addition to reducing her rice-cake intake to two a day, she has eliminated all high-calorie foods from her diet, including microwave popcorn, frozen yogurt and salad with ranch dressing.

"I guess I've been doing okay on my diet, but I could be doing better," Kimmel said. "Like, a lot of times I'll cheat and have a snack between breakfast and dinner."

Kimmel has also severed ties with a number of her closest friends because they made it impossible for her to stick to her diet, constantly pressuring her to go out to dinner or have a piece of gum.

"I don't mind not having friends," Kimmel said. "After all, I really don't deserve any until I'm not so embarrassing to be seen with."

Despite all the years she's spent battling her weight without results, Kimmel remains confident that one day she will be able to get it under control.

"I bought a bag of Skittles," Kimmel said. "If I only eat 15 today and 15 tomorrow and 15 the next day, maybe by the end of the week I'll look better."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More