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Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

SILVER SPRING, MD–Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, local anorexic Lisa Kimmel is still way too fat, it was reported Monday.

Silver Spring, MD, anorexic Lisa Kimmel, who could stand to lose a few pounds.

"I can't believe how gross I look," said the corpulent Kimmel, examining herself in a full-length bathroom mirror. "I am such a whale."

Pinching her bulky, misshapen body, Kimmel expressed frustration with her inability to transform herself into a reasonably svelte person.

"I eat celery, I drink only water or Diet Coke, I do three hours on the Stairmaster every day," she said. "But despite all that, I've still got, like, these huge rolls of fat all over."

Though Kimmel could stand to lose a few pounds in nearly every area of her body, worst of all are her arms. "I've got this totally disgusting flab on the back of my arms that swings back and forth when I move," said Kimmel, wearing an oversized Champion sweatshirt to conceal her obesity. "My arms totally look like my grandmother's."

Making matters worse is the fact that Kimmel's mother wants her to be overweight, constantly trying to get her to eat fatty foods like ravioli, mashed potatoes and broiled chicken with the skin still on. Other family members, as well as Kimmel's friends and doctors, also entreat her to eat because they want her to be fat, repulsive and unliked.

"Losing weight is hard enough–you faint, you vomit, you stop menstruating–but it's even harder when you don't have the support of the people around you," she said. "Even when I did lose 25 pounds, my friends were so jealous, telling me I looked terrible. And my mom is the worst of all. She's just afraid that if I'm thin and beautiful, it'll make her look bad."

Added Kimmel: "I'm so sick of everyone trying to control me–my mom, my therapist, the paramedics. They don't have to live in this horrible body–I do."

When she began dieting three years ago, Kimmel estimated that she would need to lose 10 pounds to be able to show her body in public. That estimate has proven wrong, as, to date, she has lost nearly 35 pounds and is still obese.

"Just five more pounds, and maybe I won't want to throw up every time I look at myself in the mirror," Kimmel said. "God, even my ribs look fat."

Determined to achieve her goal of being normal-looking, Kimmel has stepped up her diet and exercise regimen in recent weeks. In addition to reducing her rice-cake intake to two a day, she has eliminated all high-calorie foods from her diet, including microwave popcorn, frozen yogurt and salad with ranch dressing.

"I guess I've been doing okay on my diet, but I could be doing better," Kimmel said. "Like, a lot of times I'll cheat and have a snack between breakfast and dinner."

Kimmel has also severed ties with a number of her closest friends because they made it impossible for her to stick to her diet, constantly pressuring her to go out to dinner or have a piece of gum.

"I don't mind not having friends," Kimmel said. "After all, I really don't deserve any until I'm not so embarrassing to be seen with."

Despite all the years she's spent battling her weight without results, Kimmel remains confident that one day she will be able to get it under control.

"I bought a bag of Skittles," Kimmel said. "If I only eat 15 today and 15 tomorrow and 15 the next day, maybe by the end of the week I'll look better."

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