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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Local Applebee's Removes Photo Of Underperforming Pop Warner Team

BOISE, ID—Taking the group portrait down from the eatery’s wall, local Applebee’s manager Gus Piedmont announced Friday that the restaurant was rescinding their sponsorship of the Panthers Pop Warner football team, claiming that the “pathetic” 0-3 start was not up to the establishment’s standards. “They’re not cutting it anymore, so they’re gone,” said Piedmont, adding that the group of 8-year-old football players was “just stinking up the field.” “It’d be one thing if they just lost, but they got killed by Bates Auto Repair. We don’t want those failures inside this restaurant. We’re sorry, but Applebee’s can’t be associated with a bunch of duds.” Panthers coach Mitch Goodman said that losing Applebee’s was “no big deal,” acknowledging that he had made inroads with the local Dairy Queen, an establishment his team reportedly prefers to patronize after games anyway.

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