Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status

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Vol 46 Issue 06

World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge

VANCOUVER—In what has become the most inspiring story at the XXI Winter Olympiad, the luge was won Sunday by the most unlikely of competitors: Tom, a snowman rolled together just two days earlier by the Kansy family of Vancouver.

Forgotten Assyrian God Revived To Name Sports Drink

NEW YORK—Powerade representatives said it was Nisroch's pronounced calf muscle in various depictions from the eighth century B.C. that initially attracted them to the once highly revered eagle-headed farming deity.

Google Asks NSA For Security Help

In light of recent hacking attacks, search engine leviathan Google has asked the National Security Agency for help securing its network. What do...

Rachael Flatt vs. Kim Yu-Na

It's America's Sweetheart versus the presumed sweetheart of the rest of the world as figure skaters Rachael Flatt and Kim Yu-na square off in Vancouver.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status

MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition of detestable actions that were deemed beyond the pale even for a major-league asshole such as himself. "Due to Mr. Berwin's consistent refusal to pay for drinks, his tendency to loudly point the flaws of others, and his habit of turning up at your place unannounced to eat whatever's in the fridge and then crash for a couple days, the board votes unanimously in this matter," said National North American Asshole Council chairman Tucker Max, citing sworn affidavits testifying that Skyler had been "a career asshole as far back as college." "I hereby declare Skyler Berwin to be a 24-karat, world-class asshole, with all the rights and responsibilities pertaining to that office." Following his certification, Berwin refused to apologize for his actions, claiming that that was just the kind of asshole he is.

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