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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status

MADISON, PA—Local asshole Skyler Berwin, 28, was granted world-class asshole status Saturday during a special ceremony held in recognition of detestable actions that were deemed beyond the pale even for a major-league asshole such as himself. "Due to Mr. Berwin's consistent refusal to pay for drinks, his tendency to loudly point the flaws of others, and his habit of turning up at your place unannounced to eat whatever's in the fridge and then crash for a couple days, the board votes unanimously in this matter," said National North American Asshole Council chairman Tucker Max, citing sworn affidavits testifying that Skyler had been "a career asshole as far back as college." "I hereby declare Skyler Berwin to be a 24-karat, world-class asshole, with all the rights and responsibilities pertaining to that office." Following his certification, Berwin refused to apologize for his actions, claiming that that was just the kind of asshole he is.

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