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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over

BUDA, TX—Officials with the Hays County sheriff's department said Monday they were "extremely relieved" to hand over to FBI investigators the highest-profile homicide case ever to come across their desks.

"It was an absolute godsend to see those college boys from the East Coast come waltzing into my crime scene and start bossing everyone around after we'd spent months doing the legwork," said Sheriff Hap Lansdale, who has no interest in figuring out why Buda's richest businessman, a Houston call girl, and a Congressional aide were found bound, naked, and strangled in the basement of the mayor's residence. "If they think we're just a bunch of country bumpkins who are going to step aside while they take all the credit, well, they're absolutely correct."

Lansdale has said that in lieu of "angrily throwing [his] hat on the ground and shouting that [he's] the sheriff around here," he will focus on enjoying his extra free time.

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