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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over

BUDA, TX—Officials with the Hays County sheriff's department said Monday they were "extremely relieved" to hand over to FBI investigators the highest-profile homicide case ever to come across their desks.

"It was an absolute godsend to see those college boys from the East Coast come waltzing into my crime scene and start bossing everyone around after we'd spent months doing the legwork," said Sheriff Hap Lansdale, who has no interest in figuring out why Buda's richest businessman, a Houston call girl, and a Congressional aide were found bound, naked, and strangled in the basement of the mayor's residence. "If they think we're just a bunch of country bumpkins who are going to step aside while they take all the credit, well, they're absolutely correct."

Lansdale has said that in lieu of "angrily throwing [his] hat on the ground and shouting that [he's] the sheriff around here," he will focus on enjoying his extra free time.

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