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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over

BUDA, TX—Officials with the Hays County sheriff's department said Monday they were "extremely relieved" to hand over to FBI investigators the highest-profile homicide case ever to come across their desks.

"It was an absolute godsend to see those college boys from the East Coast come waltzing into my crime scene and start bossing everyone around after we'd spent months doing the legwork," said Sheriff Hap Lansdale, who has no interest in figuring out why Buda's richest businessman, a Houston call girl, and a Congressional aide were found bound, naked, and strangled in the basement of the mayor's residence. "If they think we're just a bunch of country bumpkins who are going to step aside while they take all the credit, well, they're absolutely correct."

Lansdale has said that in lieu of "angrily throwing [his] hat on the ground and shouting that [he's] the sheriff around here," he will focus on enjoying his extra free time.

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