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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Local Band Expects Things To Take Off Following Glowing Write-Up In soundandfury.wordpress.com

EUGENE, OR—The members of local rock band Desert Ashes expect their careers to really take off following a rave write-up in music blog soundandfury.wordpress.com, the musicians said Thursday. “I don’t think you can ask for a more positive review than that; I mean, this is just the kind of positive exposure we’ve been craving,” said Desert Ashes guitarist Shane Flaherty of the WordPress-hosted website’s laudatory 200-word review of his group’s debut EP Cosmic Glow, which describes the group as “a wiry post-punk ensemble” with “manic guitar lines awash in atmospheric reverb” and “tart lyrics that also betray a certain world-weary melancholy.” “I think we’ll look back on this as sort of like the demarcation point where we went from being a struggling new group to being something much, much bigger. It’s an amazing feeling, and we have the soundandfury guys to thank for that.” At press time, Flaherty was refreshing his internet browser to see if anyone had posted a comment.

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