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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Local Band Expects Things To Take Off Following Glowing Write-Up In soundandfury.wordpress.com

EUGENE, OR—The members of local rock band Desert Ashes expect their careers to really take off following a rave write-up in music blog soundandfury.wordpress.com, the musicians said Thursday. “I don’t think you can ask for a more positive review than that; I mean, this is just the kind of positive exposure we’ve been craving,” said Desert Ashes guitarist Shane Flaherty of the WordPress-hosted website’s laudatory 200-word review of his group’s debut EP Cosmic Glow, which describes the group as “a wiry post-punk ensemble” with “manic guitar lines awash in atmospheric reverb” and “tart lyrics that also betray a certain world-weary melancholy.” “I think we’ll look back on this as sort of like the demarcation point where we went from being a struggling new group to being something much, much bigger. It’s an amazing feeling, and we have the soundandfury guys to thank for that.” At press time, Flaherty was refreshing his internet browser to see if anyone had posted a comment.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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