Local Boy Trapped In Family

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

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Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Boy Trapped In Family

HARRISONBURG, VA—Rescue workers and concerned neighbors gathered Saturday outside the Conklin residence on Waterson Avenue where authorities say local child David Conklin remains trapped in a dangerously lame family, a harrowing ordeal now entering its 13th tense year.

Rescue workers attempt to rush life-saving games and snacks to the boy.

When police arrived on the scene Saturday morning, David—who recently entered junior high and is clearly not a baby anymore—was found pinned under two inflexible parents who rendered him completely immobile. Officers are working around the clock to free the boy and give him a second chance at a social life.

"At this time we're doing everything we can to make [David] as comfortable as possible," said Lt. William Barnes of the Harrisonburg Fire Department, who coordinated efforts to provide the 12-year-old with a warm North Face jacket to replace the retarded hand- me-down parka that once belonged to his older brother, Stephen. "But realistically, this situation could go on for at least another six years. That is, God forbid, if he doesn't die of boredom first."

Authorities are still unsure how the seventh grader became trapped in such a boring family, though David's 15-year-old sister, Laura, put forth several theories, including speculation that David was an accident or, alternatively, was adopted from gypsies.

Conklin

With rescue efforts continuing throughout the afternoon, early hopes that David would escape through a small hole of free time between dinner and lights-out were quickly dashed when he became entangled in a family game night and was nearly crushed by the tedium of playing hand after tortuous hand of UNO.

"We're trying to get a Nintendo Wii in there to relieve some of the pressure," Barnes said. "David is in a very tight spot. Even if we get him the game console, the restrictions he's currently under may prevent him from using it."

"Our biggest fear right now is the possibility that David is being smothered," Barnes continued.

A second chance for relief came at 8:35 p.m., when David's dogged efforts to free himself forced his parents to budge slightly and consider allowing their son to watch television at friend Philip Kirchart's house. However, David's potential escape route was almost instantly blocked by a massive pile of homework.

"This is a huge setback in freeing David," said Barnes, who expressed frustration with the deteriorating situation. "If he doesn't get that diorama for Mrs. Engles' class off his back before nightfall, I'm afraid we'll just have to wait until morning."

Despite all attempts by his rescuers, David's situation has grown increasingly grim. At 4:16 p.m., the boy nearly died of embarrassment after his mother asked him if there were any cute girls in his class, and again less than two hours later at dinner, when she openly discussed his need for new underwear.

Additionally, medical experts said that David's preexisting condition, known as smartmouth, could be severely exacerbated by the dumb, unfair family environment he has been subjected to.

"This becomes an even more serious situation for someone like David," said Louis Vianna, a paramedic on the scene. "A diagnosed wiseacre in a stifling environment like that could suffer a full-scale grounding at any moment, which would cut David off from vital weekend plans."

David's agonizing experience has elicited an outpouring of support from the community. A local radio station recently held a fundraiser to purchase David the desperately needed dirt bike that the fun-deprived boy has repeatedly begged for throughout the ordeal, and people from around the country have sent letters to David, urging him to hang on until he can get his driver's license.

"No child should have to go through something like this," said Carla Berman, one of the dozens of anxious citizens keeping vigil outside the Conklin house. "That poor, brave kid. It's not like he asked to be born into this."

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