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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Local Child Has Run-Of-The-Mill Imagination

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources in his home and school, the inner fantasy life of 6-year-old Connor Haney is not at all unique or vibrant. "Standard imagination, really," his teacher Joan Pershing told reporters. "Today at recess he was playing policeman and 'catching a bad guy.' So basically, he was pretending he had a job. Not exactly what I'd call visionary." Connor's mother, Sharon, concurred, displaying a crayon drawing and saying, "Look at this picture he drew. Ooh, wow, our house. Gee, where'd he dream that up?"

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