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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Local Company Introduces New Take Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day

COLUMBUS, OH—Announcing a new program designed to encourage the presence of women in the workplace, Central Ohio Heating & Cooling has encouraged employees to participate in next Friday’s first annual Bring Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day. “This event is an excellent opportunity for you to bring in your daughter’s friend—the one she plays soccer with—and let her see how a real company works while giving her the chance to meet and spend time with other employees,” a company-wide memo urged all staffers. “Space is limited, so please make your plans now to ensure a spot for the friend. The blonde one, not the tall brown-haired one.” The memo added that if the friend happens to have soccer practice after the workday ends, she can just show up already in her uniform.

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