Local Company Moves Production Underseas

Top Headlines


Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

Why Westerners Join ISIS

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.

Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

Who Is Vladimir Putin?

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Fl...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Local Company Moves Production Underseas

NEWARK, NJ—In an effort to revitalize the company after years of stagnant profits, BakeCo Inc., makers of Good Twist Pretzels and Fluffy Brand Cream Cakes, announced plans Monday to move their Newark-based production facility underseas.

BakeCo's new underwater headquarters.

"This move is long overdue," said Jeremy Helheman, vice president of marketing for BakeCo. "Many exciting possibilities lie ahead for us at the bottom of the ocean."

The 30-year-old company's new bakery, manufacturing center, and office complex will be located in the Atlantic Ocean, approximately 20,000 fathoms beneath the sea.

"We realized the time had come for us to manufacture and deliver snack-food convenience items from the sea floor," Helheman said. "We have a responsibility to our shareholders to remain competitive in the 21st century. And if we don't take advantage of the opportunities of an underseas operation, our competitors will."

Helheman said the company will transfer many of its 1,300 employees to the underwater production facility, a decision that has left this working-class community reeling at the prospects of an economic downturn.

"We care about the Newark community," Helheman said. "It's never an easy choice to relocate jobs to the cold, inhospitable abyss of the deep seas, but the competitive realities of the baked-goods industry leave us little choice."

Helheman predicted that BakeCo employees will come to enjoy working several miles below sea level. "Once they are trained and certified in scuba diving and learn to cohabit with humpback whales, sea urchins, and schools of beautifully colored fish, our employees are likely to treasure their wondrous new work environment," he said. "And within five short years, we should see a sharp drop in debilitating cases of the bends."

BakeCo executives assured stockholders that the move will not affect the company's popular snack-food products.

"We're not changing the taste of Good Twist Pretzels or Mini Twists that America has come to love," said Helheman, as company representatives passed out soggy and disintegrating pretzel samples manufactured at the underseas facility. "Yes, many of the baked goods may taste a little more salty, and may also be crushed into microscopic pellets by the 7,000 pounds per square inch of water pressure that surrounds us at all times, but we will do everything we can to continue in the BakeCo tradition."

Added Helheman: "At BakeCo, even if much of our inventory will likely dissolve into a watery silt and then be devoured by sea-bed scavengers such as crabs, ling, and elephant fish, we believe quality comes first."

Executives admitted that relocating to the floor of the world's second-largest ocean does present some challenges, such as the corrosion of equipment in saltwater, coral overgrowth in offices, and the constant threat of attack by predatory marine life. Concerned about these difficulties, many employees and community leaders have spoken out strongly against the move.

"In addition to working underwater for eight hours a day with cumbersome oxygen tanks strapped to their backs, our workers are under constant threat from barracuda and other deadly undersea predators," said Local Food Producer's Union 443 President Marty Frankheim, who represents many members of the displaced workforce.

According to Frankheim, the main parking garage, built on the sea floor adjacent to the new headquarters, leaves workers dangerously exposed to shark attacks as they swim from the garage to the office entrance.

"Throughout the eight-month construction of the garage, tiger sharks have routinely threatened and occasionally fed on workers," Frankheim said.

Helheman downplayed any work hazards in the new location. "We're doing everything we can to create a safe working environment for the BakeCo team," Helheman said. "But once a tiger shark has attacked a victim, other sharks are attracted to the blood in the water, creating a feeding frenzy among the sharks."

Helheman did, however, warn employees and visitors touring the plant to avoid contact with moray eels, blue-ring octopi, and the dozens of species of sea snakes who make their homes near the plant. All of these animals are known to be aggressive and territorial, and may lurk in workers' lockers, in desk drawers, or dart about freely on the plant floor.

"While we're excited to be in our new undersea home, a frightened sea creature may feel threatened by our presence," Helheman said. "Employees should always use caution, especially during the blue ring's mating season."

The bite of a blue-ring octopus delivers a neuromuscular paralyzing venom more deadly than that of any land animal.

Despite setbacks, Helheman was optimistic about BakeCo's move. "We have high expectations for forging great new relationships with our undersea neighbors," Helheman said. "Bold new possibilities await us at the bottom of the sea."