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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Local Dad Gets This Show On The Road

ASHEVILLE, NC—Citing an abundance of great things to do in Virginia Beach and a limited amount of time in which to do them, area husband and father of three Ed Minton strongly urged his family to get this show on the road Friday. "Let's go, let's go, let's go," said Minton, eager to get his wife and children into their Dodge Caravan and begin a "super-duper fun" family weekend getaway. After a 40-minute delay, the show finally got on the road at approximately 2 p.m., when Minton's wife and children finally decided to chop-chop.

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