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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Local Dipshit Planning On Fighting Trump Administration Through Art

Rudnick, a simpleton and staunch critic of President Trump, describes his art as “both sword and shield.”
Rudnick, a simpleton and staunch critic of President Trump, describes his art as “both sword and shield.”

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

The 42-year-old dumbass, who has reportedly sketched out ideas for more than two dozen artistic projects addressing issues of a highly topical nature, stated that he will stand up to the presidency of Donald Trump by employing a mix of visual and performance-based media, as well as literature and song.

“As an artist, I can’t sit idly by—when you see something like this happening in the world, you have to act,” said the complete moron, whose most recent efforts include a series in which Trump’s likeness is incorporated into Soviet-era propaganda posters and a prose poem condemning the president’s decision to ban transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces. “I’m fortunate enough to have been blessed with artistic talents, and it’s my responsibility to make good use of them, putting the screws to Trump at every turn.”

The dumbfuck said he has recently been inspired to take on more ambitious projects that will “reveal this administration’s treachery for all the world to see.”

“I’m particularly excited about this new screenplay I’ve just started,” he continued. “The working title is Nuremberg, D.C.

As he showed reporters various finished works displayed in his garage, the hopeless dipshit pointed out a driftwood sculpture called Uprise, which he described as his “definitive rebuttal” to the president’s travel ban. The breathtaking idiot observed that he had “hit Trump hard” over the past few months with a looped video in which a perpetually overflowing glass of water is used to signify the flooding that climate change will bring, as well as a charcoal drawing in which a giant Betsy DeVos shakes an upturned schoolhouse and sends the children inside tumbling into a prison.

The dumbfuck, who said he has recently been inspired to take on more ambitious projects that will “reveal this administration’s treachery for all the world to see,” noted that he was particularly excited about an upcoming “Resistance Cabaret” that he is arranging with several of his equally stupid friends. According to the colossal dope, the evening of music, dance, and short theatrical pieces will conclude with the performers duct-taping their mouths shut and wearing the names of GOP lawmakers on signs around their necks to send a “powerful message” to Republicans complicit in Trump’s agenda.

The audience for the event, scheduled to take place in the back room of a local coffee shop next Tuesday from 4 to 6 p.m., is expected to include some of the most prominent idiots in the community.

“It is imperative we find new ways to keep up the pressure on this White House,” said the insufferable jackass, telling reporters that his planned 12-minute movement piece featuring marionettes and set to Gary Jules’ “Mad World” would “shine a blinding light” on the current occupant of the Oval Office. “When the piece reaches its climax, and I literally cut Trump’s strings so he’s just lying there in a heap, I’ll be striking a blow at the very heart of all that this terrible man and his cronies represent.”

“I’ll never stop fighting,” he added.

At press time, the dummy had reportedly purchased a set of Russian nesting dolls and was labeling each piece with a different word, such as “lies,” “collusion,” and “cover-up.”

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