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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet

STILSON, GA—A local extension cord came under fire Monday when the four-foot length of electrical wiring failed to stretch from the end of area man Dwight Seidl's television cord to a nearby wall outlet. "The sole function I required of this incompetent [extension cord] was to provide a connection between my TV power adaptor and the AC current in that outlet. Sadly, it was completely unable to perform even this simple task," Seidl, who purchased the orange Black & Decker multi-socket extension cord that afternoon, told members of the media during a heated press conference. "I stand by my earlier claims that the cord is a son of a bitch bastard piece of shit." The extension cord's misstep has reportedly taken some heat off a much-maligned one-inch piece of Scotch tape, which Seidl has twice blasted for failing to hold up his wall calendar.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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