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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Local Fabric Store Urges You To Check Them Out On Twitter

CHAMPLIN, MN—According to a sign in the front window of Famous Fabrics on Beacon Avenue, the yarn and cloth shop has its own Twitter account through which interested parties can stay informed of all the store's latest news. "Check us out on Twitter!" reads the poster, as do two smaller page-sized printouts affixed to each cash register inside. "And become our 'friend' on Facebook!" At press time, the store's Twitter feed, which can be found at www.twitter.com/famousfabrics, comprised two posts spaced two weeks apart.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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