adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Family Homeless After Tornado Destroys White House

'We've Lost Everything,' Family Says

The Obamas survey the devastation wearing only the clothes they had time to take before the storm struck.
The Obamas survey the devastation wearing only the clothes they had time to take before the storm struck.

WASHINGTON—Barack Obama stands alone in the ruins of what was once his living room, calling out in vain for a dog that never comes. Less than 36 hours ago, his house stood proudly intact. But the violent tornado that tore through the region late Sunday night upended everything in an instant, scattering his belongings and leaving his family homeless and helpless.

"My God, just look at this," the 48-year-old government employee said as he surveyed the splintered furniture and mangled chandeliers that littered the 18-acre property. "Everything is gone. Our clothes, our family photos, the federal budget for fiscal year 2011—it's all gone."

Added Obama, "This was our dream home."

With no relatives in the area to turn to, the Obamas have been living in the basement of Calvary Methodist Church on M Street and bathing at the nearby YMCA. However, with the church running low on canned goods and funds to support the displaced family, Obama worries he and his loved ones may soon be forced to move into a shelter or live out of their motorcade.

"My youngest daughter keeps asking me when we can go home," said part-time social worker Michelle Obama, 46, who escaped the disaster with nothing more than her enduring spirit and the Narciso Rodriguez cap-sleeve silk dress on her back. "I don't know what to tell her."

Joe Biden, 67, helps Obama sort through personal documents in the remains of his home office.

As of press time, several items of sentimental value to the family remained unaccounted for, including Mrs. Obama's wedding gown, both daughters' baby books, David Axelrod, and an antique portrait of George Washington that had been in the home for generations.

For Mr. Obama, who had worked primarily from a home office, the tornado's merciless destruction has been a doubly painful blow.

"My desk was right here," said a drawn Obama, pointing down at a tattered, rubble-strewn carpet bearing the Seal of the President of the United States. "I'd sit here every morning with my cup of coffee and paper, quietly perusing the latest intelligence on credible terrorist plots against the U.S. mainland."

"I'd give anything to have the comfort of that daily routine back," Obama added.

According to the National Weather Service, the category F3 tornado was spawned by a line of severe thunderstorms that struck the District of Columbia around 11 p.m. Sunday. The funnel cloud, with winds gusting up to 165 miles per hour, touched down only briefly, carving a short but devastating swath of destruction along Pennsylvania Avenue that not only leveled the family's house, but also uprooted numerous trees and drove one of Obama's American-flag lapel pins 3 inches into the north face of the Washington Monument.

Although they had only lived in the charming 132-room house for a year and a half, the Obamas had been eyeing the residence for years before finally being able to close on it in November 2008. What Obama had worked ceaselessly to attain, however, was demolished in a matter of moments, with the ravaging storm not even sparing his wife's beloved backyard vegetable garden.

"A really loud roaring noise woke me up, and I just knew it was a twister," said Malia Obama, 12, clad in an ill-fitting 'Hillary 2008' sweatshirt donated by a family friend. "So, just like Dad taught us, we all ran out of our bedrooms, down the Grand Staircase, through the foyer, the East Colonnade, and the Garden Room, down into the East Wing sub-basement, and made it into the bunker just as the roof of the house was lifted off."

While the Obamas acknowledge that regrouping from such a devastating tragedy will be a long and difficult process, they are drawing strength from the overwhelming outpouring of support and generous donations they have received from friends, neighbors, and lobbyists.

"When I heard the bad news, I figured I'd swing over with a few longnecks for Barry and some intimates for Michelle," said Joe Biden, one of Barack Obama's coworkers, referring to the six-pack of Budweiser and assortment of women's underwear and negligee that he hand-delivered to the family Monday evening. "Hope she's a size 10. Sure looks like a 10."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close