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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Local Father Briefs Family On Which Basketball Players Now Household Names

EDINA, MN—Gathering his wife and children Monday to bring them up to date, local man George Litton, 57, reportedly apprised his family of which basketball players are currently household names. “Here’s the rundown: Kobe Bryant, as you know, is a household name, as are Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and, as of more recently, Kevin Durant,” said Litton, who went on to list several more players before emphasizing that Cavaliers point guard Kyrie Irving had not yet accomplished enough to be considered a household name. “I know you may think Steph Curry is a household name, but he’s not. Not yet. He’s carved out a place for himself as the Warriors’ best player and as a premier NBA point guard, but he’s not a household name. Now, is Paul George a household name? Fair question. Earlier this season, I might have said yes, but given the Pacers’ struggles over the last month, it’s less certain. Until further notice, Paul George is not a household name.” Litton added that should anyone have questions regarding the list of household names, he is always willing to answer them anytime, day or night.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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