adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Grandmother Beginning To Realize Family Never Even Looked For Better Nursing Home

BILLINGS, MT—Local grandmother Janet Rozell said Tuesday it had recently started to dawn on her that family members hadn’t even bothered to research nicer nursing homes before admitting her to Horizons Retirement Community six years ago. “For the longest time, I thought they’d put me in the best home in the state, but then I started hearing some of the other residents talk about how much better all these other places were, including one that’s not even half a mile from here,” Rozell, 87, said while fiddling with the antenna on the 400-room facility’s communal television. “And now I remember asking my son if the bedrooms in all the nursing homes were so small, and he immediately said that they all were, every single one of them, as if he’d really looked into it. I don’t think he had any idea.” At press time, Rozell said her suspicions were confirmed upon overhearing a group of nurses all say they had résumés out with pretty much every other retirement center within 200 miles.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close