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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Local Grandmother Beginning To Realize Family Never Even Looked For Better Nursing Home

BILLINGS, MT—Local grandmother Janet Rozell said Tuesday it had recently started to dawn on her that family members hadn’t even bothered to research nicer nursing homes before admitting her to Horizons Retirement Community six years ago. “For the longest time, I thought they’d put me in the best home in the state, but then I started hearing some of the other residents talk about how much better all these other places were, including one that’s not even half a mile from here,” Rozell, 87, said while fiddling with the antenna on the 400-room facility’s communal television. “And now I remember asking my son if the bedrooms in all the nursing homes were so small, and he immediately said that they all were, every single one of them, as if he’d really looked into it. I don’t think he had any idea.” At press time, Rozell said her suspicions were confirmed upon overhearing a group of nurses all say they had résumés out with pretty much every other retirement center within 200 miles.

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