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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Local Grandmother Beginning To Realize Family Never Even Looked For Better Nursing Home

BILLINGS, MT—Local grandmother Janet Rozell said Tuesday it had recently started to dawn on her that family members hadn’t even bothered to research nicer nursing homes before admitting her to Horizons Retirement Community six years ago. “For the longest time, I thought they’d put me in the best home in the state, but then I started hearing some of the other residents talk about how much better all these other places were, including one that’s not even half a mile from here,” Rozell, 87, said while fiddling with the antenna on the 400-room facility’s communal television. “And now I remember asking my son if the bedrooms in all the nursing homes were so small, and he immediately said that they all were, every single one of them, as if he’d really looked into it. I don’t think he had any idea.” At press time, Rozell said her suspicions were confirmed upon overhearing a group of nurses all say they had résumés out with pretty much every other retirement center within 200 miles.

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