adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Grandmother Beginning To Realize Family Never Even Looked For Better Nursing Home

BILLINGS, MT—Local grandmother Janet Rozell said Tuesday it had recently started to dawn on her that family members hadn’t even bothered to research nicer nursing homes before admitting her to Horizons Retirement Community six years ago. “For the longest time, I thought they’d put me in the best home in the state, but then I started hearing some of the other residents talk about how much better all these other places were, including one that’s not even half a mile from here,” Rozell, 87, said while fiddling with the antenna on the 400-room facility’s communal television. “And now I remember asking my son if the bedrooms in all the nursing homes were so small, and he immediately said that they all were, every single one of them, as if he’d really looked into it. I don’t think he had any idea.” At press time, Rozell said her suspicions were confirmed upon overhearing a group of nurses all say they had résumés out with pretty much every other retirement center within 200 miles.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close