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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

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