Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

Technology

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

‘Nothing was left to the imagination,’ says Damascus-area shopkeeper

Seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi was photographed in broad daylight with her face, hair and neck exposed. The community has rallied behind God and stoned the insidious harlot to death.
Seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi was photographed in broad daylight with her face, hair and neck exposed. The community has rallied behind God and stoned the insidious harlot to death.

This story originally appeared in the Damascus Herald-Star. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

An area harlot exposed her face and neck to the naked eyes of several area men yesterday, stirring deep within them filthy and sinful desires. The harlot, area seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi, was witnessed in the act of removing her protective headgear and veil in the town marketplace, in plain view of the public.

According to witnesses’ reports, after exposing the men to her brazen display of wanton, uncensored sexuality, al-Qaawi rocked back and forth slightly, allowing her hair to blow gently in the mid-morning breeze, deliberately goading the men into thoughts of hell-spawned lustful abandon. Although she quickly replaced the shawl and veil, the damage had already been done.

Experts agree that in doffing her outerwear, the temptress was clearly in league with Satan. Witnesses reported experiencing feelings of rapture, awe and trembling admiration of her beauty, all known effects of succubi sent by Lucifer to suck Heaven’s virtue from the souls of men.

“Her hair shone with a thousand shimmering strands of purest gossamer, framing her lovely, nude face with a glory worthy of the raiments of Gabriel,” witness Rafiq al-Jabir said. “It was clear that she was a powerful succubus, a vassal of demonic spirits from beneath Hell.”

Al-Jabir then retreated to a private chamber to scourge his back with merciless flaying in an attempt to quell his spiritual pain.

The lust al-Qaawi provoked may have overcome and eternally corrupted the various men who could not avert their eyes in time to avoid glimpsing her exposed shame. Shortly after exposing herself, the harlot was stoned in the public square, saving the town’s souls from the risk of growing contamination at the hands of her lurid, sinful perversion of all that is holy.

Reports as of press time indicate that many of the witnesses’ wives and daughters are currently forsaking their usual regimen of duties and instead singing triumphant hymns of praise and adoration to He Who Rules On High in thanks for the harlot’s death.

“The hair, the face, even a slight wedge of skin below the neckline—nothing was left to the imagination,” one anonymous witness said. Shortly after seeing the shocking parade of scantily clad female flesh, the witness was overwhelmed by an intense compulsion to woo the woman, plying her affections with gifts of the finest ointments, vowing his undying devotion and forsaking all others, until the stoning began.

“Her mortal frame was a vessel for damnation’s temptresses to walk the earth in human form, leading the righteous away from God, and thus, needed to be brutally broken and cut down by the redemptive hand—the only kind of justice a harlot can know: sheer bloodletting,” said area rug trader Malik al-Faziz, who organized the impromptu stoning by pointing at al-Qaawi and shouting, “Harlot!” while brandishing a large rock until others came to his aid.

Reports indicate that so great was the temptation to sin caused by al-Qaawi’s disclosure that 30 or more men felt a need to purify themselves by participating in the woman’s stoning, which observers said took less than three minutes.

“I am very sorry that I am related to my late sister, henceforth disowned by my family and referred to only as She Who Cannot Be Named,” said al-Qaawi’s youngest sibling Yasmeen in a desperate attempt to restore family honor.

The harlot’s corpse has been dragged through the streets in accordance with the law and then cut into pieces and fed to crows by her sons, all of whom have written to the town elders begging that their mother’s depravity be forever stricken from all public record.

“It is true that we are but lowly whoresons,” a portion of their letter read, “but we pray that in God’s wisdom our grandchildren will not be known as whores-grandchildren.”

The Council of Elders is currently debating this request.

“Just seeing her face all naked made me wonder what else she had under those loose flowing robes. Arms? Legs? A writhing, painted torso? I am an unmarried man and have never seen a woman’s body—not even in the heathen overseas broadcasts of the demonic women’s gymnastics, about which horrible things I have heard whispered in the night,” said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous. “Yet, from this day forth even my fevered dreams will not be free of my beloved, trouncing trollop, trumpeting the siren song of Satan.”

No fewer than 15 stonings and beheadings are expected as a result of the incident. All those who will be killed are confirmed demons.

Next Story