Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 06

Deadly New Virus Found To Be 'Real Squiggly'

Scientists and doctors at Princeton’s Institute for Advanced Studies, working around the clock in pursuit of a cure for the mysterious new “SeloThoxxyn-P Five” virus, yesterday announced the stunning discovery that the virus is “real squiggly.” The news c...

Jesus Free After Killing Hooker

ST. LOUIS, MO—Jesus the Christ, Son of Yahweh, is free on bond today after being arrested for the murder of Wanda Jimenez, 38, an East Side prostitute.

Evolution to Occur Thursday

PALO ALTO, CA—In a surprising announcement, scientists at Stanford University revealed yesterday that beginning this Thursday, human arms will become four to six inches shorter.

Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better serve potential new members, the L.A.-based Crips street gang unveiled a revamped gang application procedure yesterday, one expected to reduce both initiation beatings and paperwork by 50 percent.

Bronx Zoo Opens New Loitering Teens Exhibit

The Bronx Zoo, long a trailblazer among the world’s zoological reserves, opened its exciting new Loitering Teens exhibit Saturday to the anticipation of zoogoers nationwide.“They are fascinating,” said Ronald Fehgr, 51, a member of the Bronx Zoo Board of...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

‘Nothing was left to the imagination,’ says Damascus-area shopkeeper

Seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi was photographed in broad daylight with her face, hair and neck exposed. The community has rallied behind God and stoned the insidious harlot to death.
Seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi was photographed in broad daylight with her face, hair and neck exposed. The community has rallied behind God and stoned the insidious harlot to death.

This story originally appeared in the Damascus Herald-Star. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

An area harlot exposed her face and neck to the naked eyes of several area men yesterday, stirring deep within them filthy and sinful desires. The harlot, area seamstress and mother of five Fatma al-Qaawi, was witnessed in the act of removing her protective headgear and veil in the town marketplace, in plain view of the public.

According to witnesses’ reports, after exposing the men to her brazen display of wanton, uncensored sexuality, al-Qaawi rocked back and forth slightly, allowing her hair to blow gently in the mid-morning breeze, deliberately goading the men into thoughts of hell-spawned lustful abandon. Although she quickly replaced the shawl and veil, the damage had already been done.

Experts agree that in doffing her outerwear, the temptress was clearly in league with Satan. Witnesses reported experiencing feelings of rapture, awe and trembling admiration of her beauty, all known effects of succubi sent by Lucifer to suck Heaven’s virtue from the souls of men.

“Her hair shone with a thousand shimmering strands of purest gossamer, framing her lovely, nude face with a glory worthy of the raiments of Gabriel,” witness Rafiq al-Jabir said. “It was clear that she was a powerful succubus, a vassal of demonic spirits from beneath Hell.”

Al-Jabir then retreated to a private chamber to scourge his back with merciless flaying in an attempt to quell his spiritual pain.

The lust al-Qaawi provoked may have overcome and eternally corrupted the various men who could not avert their eyes in time to avoid glimpsing her exposed shame. Shortly after exposing herself, the harlot was stoned in the public square, saving the town’s souls from the risk of growing contamination at the hands of her lurid, sinful perversion of all that is holy.

Reports as of press time indicate that many of the witnesses’ wives and daughters are currently forsaking their usual regimen of duties and instead singing triumphant hymns of praise and adoration to He Who Rules On High in thanks for the harlot’s death.

“The hair, the face, even a slight wedge of skin below the neckline—nothing was left to the imagination,” one anonymous witness said. Shortly after seeing the shocking parade of scantily clad female flesh, the witness was overwhelmed by an intense compulsion to woo the woman, plying her affections with gifts of the finest ointments, vowing his undying devotion and forsaking all others, until the stoning began.

“Her mortal frame was a vessel for damnation’s temptresses to walk the earth in human form, leading the righteous away from God, and thus, needed to be brutally broken and cut down by the redemptive hand—the only kind of justice a harlot can know: sheer bloodletting,” said area rug trader Malik al-Faziz, who organized the impromptu stoning by pointing at al-Qaawi and shouting, “Harlot!” while brandishing a large rock until others came to his aid.

Reports indicate that so great was the temptation to sin caused by al-Qaawi’s disclosure that 30 or more men felt a need to purify themselves by participating in the woman’s stoning, which observers said took less than three minutes.

“I am very sorry that I am related to my late sister, henceforth disowned by my family and referred to only as She Who Cannot Be Named,” said al-Qaawi’s youngest sibling Yasmeen in a desperate attempt to restore family honor.

The harlot’s corpse has been dragged through the streets in accordance with the law and then cut into pieces and fed to crows by her sons, all of whom have written to the town elders begging that their mother’s depravity be forever stricken from all public record.

“It is true that we are but lowly whoresons,” a portion of their letter read, “but we pray that in God’s wisdom our grandchildren will not be known as whores-grandchildren.”

The Council of Elders is currently debating this request.

“Just seeing her face all naked made me wonder what else she had under those loose flowing robes. Arms? Legs? A writhing, painted torso? I am an unmarried man and have never seen a woman’s body—not even in the heathen overseas broadcasts of the demonic women’s gymnastics, about which horrible things I have heard whispered in the night,” said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous. “Yet, from this day forth even my fevered dreams will not be free of my beloved, trouncing trollop, trumpeting the siren song of Satan.”

No fewer than 15 stonings and beheadings are expected as a result of the incident. All those who will be killed are confirmed demons.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More