adBlockCheck

Local Hipster Over-Explaining Why He Was At The Mall

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Local Hipster Over-Explaining Why He Was At The Mall

LOUISVILLE, KY–Anders Larsen, known within Louisville hipster circles as the bassist for Superfly Snuka and a contributing music reviewer for the underground 'zine Gun Shy, spent several hours Monday over-explaining why he was at Jefferson Mall over the weekend.

Louisville hipster Anders Larsen, who was at Jefferson Mall last Saturday.

"You know I normally wouldn't be caught dead in some corporate suburban hellhole like that," the 24-year-old Larsen told friends at Jack's Wax, an independent record store he frequents. "But I was out near Jefferson Mall because I had to get a new air filter for my car, and they're about five bucks cheaper at that Crown Auto over there. Then, I got to thinking how my dad's birthday's coming up, and I should probably get him something. I figured I'd try the mall, since it's got tons of the kind of stupid crap he likes."

"I can't believe I actually set foot in that place," added Larsen, posting a flyer for his band's upcoming gig in the Jack's Wax window. "If not for my dad and his dorko taste, I wouldn't have gone within 50 miles of that den of lameness."

After briefly browsing B. Dalton, The Sunglass Hut, and Camelot Music for something for his father, Larsen said he became so disgusted with "the unbelievable mainstream-ness of it all" that he couldn't bring himself to spend money at any of the stores. Giving up on finding a gift, Larsen decided to explore some of the mall's other outlets, "just as a joke."

He eventually wound up buying himself a silver-chain pocket watch, a purchase he spent nearly 20 minutes justifying to his fellow scenesters.

"I was walking around, just laughing my ass off at all the stores, when I decided to go into this place called The Wild Side, which is pretty much the lamest of them all," Larsen said. "It had all these 'leather' biker jackets that were made out of plastic, not to mention all this other cheesy, wanna-be-punk stuff. You know, poseur shit for the suburban rebel."

"But then, just as I was about to end my 'walk on The Wild Side,' I saw in a display case this German silver pocket watch, which, by some miracle, was actually kind of cool," Larsen continued. "Plus, it was on clearance for really cheap. Honestly, though, I only got it because I needed a new watch. I think my other one's about to break. It's been running really slow. Otherwise, I never would have given a penny to those losers."

While at the mall, Larsen also purchased a stainless-steel coffee thermos from Williams-Sonoma, a copy of Star Wars: Episode One "because the movie was so bad, it's hilarious," and the Playstation game Ape Escape, which Larsen says is impossible to find used.

According to Rick Caras, Larsen's roommate and bandmate, this is not the first time he has over-explained a brush with mainstream culture.

"Last week, I noticed a Kid Rock CD on Anders' shelf, and I was like, 'Anders, you own a fuckin' Kid Rock CD?" Caras said. "Well, I got this 20-minute saga about how he bought it for his little brother, who's into that kind of rap-metal junk, but his brother already had it, so he was going to return it. But then he ended up opening it, just to hear that one stupid 'Bawitdaba' song that he heard on WTFX once–not that he ever listens to that 'shitty-ass corporate-rock station,' but he happened to be in a gas station when it came on and became 'entranced by its profound patheticness.'"

Among the other items Larsen has over-explained recently: how he knows who Keri Russell is, why he ate at Bennigan's, what he is doing with an Entertainment Weekly subscription, and why he saw the movie Keeping The Faith.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close