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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year. “From now until November, we vow that not an inch of our front lawn will be visible beneath the crowded, haphazard mix of custom gravestones, skeletons, dozens of feet of fake cobwebs, severed heads on spikes, caskets, and our large light-up zombie with glowing red eyes,” said father Luke Hutchcroft, clarifying that the family would go further than simply recreating last year’s already overboard spectacle by adding a number of carefully curated new elements, such as a four-foot diameter spider mounted on the side of their house and bloody-handprint window clings. “And for those of you wondering whether familiar Hollywood serial killers will be making an appearance this year, rest assured that these life-size dummies will be propped against the base of our oak tree as always. Not a single detail will be overlooked, right down to the polyester witch who appears to have been flattened by flying on a broomstick directly into the garage door.” Hutchcroft assured neighborhood residents, however, that the family would clear their front yard of Halloween décor just in time to erect a gaudy, technicolor Christmas monstrosity for the duration of the holiday season.

Don’t let your nightmares come true by running out of Cheetos this Halloween.

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