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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year. “From now until November, we vow that not an inch of our front lawn will be visible beneath the crowded, haphazard mix of custom gravestones, skeletons, dozens of feet of fake cobwebs, severed heads on spikes, caskets, and our large light-up zombie with glowing red eyes,” said father Luke Hutchcroft, clarifying that the family would go further than simply recreating last year’s already overboard spectacle by adding a number of carefully curated new elements, such as a four-foot diameter spider mounted on the side of their house and bloody-handprint window clings. “And for those of you wondering whether familiar Hollywood serial killers will be making an appearance this year, rest assured that these life-size dummies will be propped against the base of our oak tree as always. Not a single detail will be overlooked, right down to the polyester witch who appears to have been flattened by flying on a broomstick directly into the garage door.” Hutchcroft assured neighborhood residents, however, that the family would clear their front yard of Halloween décor just in time to erect a gaudy, technicolor Christmas monstrosity for the duration of the holiday season.


Don’t let your nightmares come true by running out of Cheetos this Halloween.

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