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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.

Nussbaum

"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it doesn't hurt."

While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech Industries.

"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A. triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."

Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.

Though its influence stretches to all corners of the globe, the worldwide Jewish conspiracy has, for mysterious reasons, neglected to include Southfield, MI, computer programmer Seth Nussbaum.

In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own production company. "Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner, Katzenberg—those are the Jews who control Hollywood," Nussbaum said. "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at every level of the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20 million romantic comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."

And despite being a regular subscriber to The New York Times for seven years, Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews who own that and every other newspaper in the United States.

"As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the press. I should be able use the papers and television stations I own to forward my biased, liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting Democratic candidates elected to Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow, that's just not the case."

Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons. "They turned down my application," he said, sighing deeply, "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for now I'll just have to resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and powerless Jew."

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