Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole

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Vol 45 Issue 35

Sanford Vows To Complete Term

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared for several days in June to visit his Argentine lover, has stated that he will not resign...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole

DENVER—Apartment 3A sources confirmed Tuesday that 26-year-old Stephen Refkin has become a gaping, all-consuming vortex from which no paper towel roll is capable of escaping. "He uses so many paper towels," roommate Jeff Dunowitz said Thursday, estimating that over the past month three eight-packs of Bounty Basic have vanished into the limitless void. "As soon as he buys them, they're gone." If left unchecked, many theorize that Refkin could collapse into a gravitational singularity, threatening surrounding napkins, tissues, and perhaps even toilet paper.

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