adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole

DENVER—Apartment 3A sources confirmed Tuesday that 26-year-old Stephen Refkin has become a gaping, all-consuming vortex from which no paper towel roll is capable of escaping. "He uses so many paper towels," roommate Jeff Dunowitz said Thursday, estimating that over the past month three eight-packs of Bounty Basic have vanished into the limitless void. "As soon as he buys them, they're gone." If left unchecked, many theorize that Refkin could collapse into a gravitational singularity, threatening surrounding napkins, tissues, and perhaps even toilet paper.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close