adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole

DENVER—Apartment 3A sources confirmed Tuesday that 26-year-old Stephen Refkin has become a gaping, all-consuming vortex from which no paper towel roll is capable of escaping. "He uses so many paper towels," roommate Jeff Dunowitz said Thursday, estimating that over the past month three eight-packs of Bounty Basic have vanished into the limitless void. "As soon as he buys them, they're gone." If left unchecked, many theorize that Refkin could collapse into a gravitational singularity, threatening surrounding napkins, tissues, and perhaps even toilet paper.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close