Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Man Dies Following Short Battle With Gas Leak Explosion

ANNETTA, TX—Fighting his condition until the very end, local man Ron Batton died Wednesday following a short battle with a gas leak explosion. “Ron was a real trooper,” said his brother Kevin Batton, adding that throughout the fraction of a second between the 2000-degree fireball engulfing him and his body becoming nothing more than a pile of cinders, Ron held his head high and “never, ever surrendered.” “He kept quiet about it and didn’t let it change the way he lived his life in any way. In fact, we didn’t even find out what was happening until everyone in a one-mile radius heard a deafening explosion, and chunks of his house began raining down from the sky. But if you knew Ron like I did, none of that is the least bit surprising.” Batton went on to say that given how much Ron was suffering, they were confident he was finally ready to go.

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