Local Man Foremost Expert On What The Terrorists Should Do If They Really Want To Hurt Us

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 45

About FactZone with Brooke Alvarez

FactZone with Brooke Alvarez is the highest-rated prime-time cable news show in America, offering breaking news updates, in-depth reporting, insightful analysis of current events, and constant monitoring of public opinion through online polls, vi...

Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring.

Family Takes Rare Trip To The Good Mall

CORAL GABLES, FL—In a noteworthy departure from their usual shopping routine, the Dietrich family announced today that they would forego the regular mall near their home in favor of the good mall, located 45 minutes away.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Local Man Foremost Expert On What The Terrorists Should Do If They Really Want To Hurt Us

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Area feed store manager and local terrorist expert Wendell Butler offered up another one of his brilliant theories Friday outlining exactly what the terrorists should do if they really want to hurt the United States. "I'll tell you what would absolutely demoralize us is if they hit Disneyland," said the 48-year-old high school graduate, whose vast knowledge of how terrorists operate and what the consequences of their potential actions would be is truly unmatched. "With all the families there it would just be devastating. And it's Disneyland, so symbolically that would be like the ultimate desecration of everything American." The razor-sharp Butler then spent the next two hours applying his insightful analysis of global terrorism and its effects to hypothetical attacks on water treatment facilities, hospitals, and the Academy Awards.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More