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Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story

BRIGHTON, MI—Whether exchanging nuptials with his first wife Susan on the roof of the hardware store where he works or patiently teaching his bulldog Louie how to use a Boogie board, it's easy to see why Brighton resident Tom Carling, 42, has been the inspiration for more than a dozen offbeat human interest stories over the course of his life.

Carling says he does not know why he's gained so much notoriety just for "living [his] life."

"I never really understood what all the fuss was about," says the humble Carling as he casually feeds a live rabbit to one of his nine albino Burmese pythons that somehow got loose earlier this year and turned up in a local elementary school. "I never set out to get this kind of attention. This is just how I live my life."

Talking to him on the street, one would never suspect that this is the same man who once walked backwards across the entire state of Michigan. Carling's humility and easygoing manner can also make it easy to forget that he is the proud owner of one of the largest collections of Japanese bubble-gum wrappers in the Midwest.

"I'm really no different than anyone else," says Carling of the notoriety he has garnered over the years. "How many people have had their shirt ripped from their body by rhesus monkeys because they got too close while trying to feed them peanut butter at the zoo? Hundreds, I bet. Maybe thousands."

Adds Carling: "The only difference is that someone had a camera rolling when it happened to me. If that makes me newsworthy, so be it."

Carling is often remembered as one of the "Carling Septuplets," born at exactly midnight on February 29, 1964. Others may recall Carling as the man who tirelessly solicited signatures for a petition to install a water slide in the Capitol Building in Lansing.

"I don't believe it's destiny or anything like that," says Carling as he lovingly trims and waters the lush, green blanket of grass he's grown on the hood of his 1982 Cadillac El Dorado. "When the inspiration strikes to tie 50 green helium-filled weather balloons to a lawn chair and float over the St. Patrick's Day parade, most people don't act on it. I guess it's just a question of motivation."

Though he admits he has had his share of good fortune, Carling, who once won $50,000 after making a full-court shot during a promotion at a Detroit Pistons game, is quick to point out that not all of the offbeat stories he has inspired have been lighthearted.

"A few people probably still remember that I was the only victim in that Albanian pyramid scheme," Carling said. "I never let that kind of thing get me down, but I was definitely in a real rough patch. I lost a little over $50,000."

Despite his many escapades, people can't help but wonder what's next for Carling. After all, how much can one man possibly achieve in a single lifetime?

Not to worry, Carling says. He has no plans to change.

"I'm not going to start doing anything differently just because I've been featured so many times," he says. "I'll just follow my instincts like I always have. And nothing's going to stop me until my final wish of having my cryogenically frozen body launched into outer space comes true."

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