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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story

BRIGHTON, MI—Whether exchanging nuptials with his first wife Susan on the roof of the hardware store where he works or patiently teaching his bulldog Louie how to use a Boogie board, it's easy to see why Brighton resident Tom Carling, 42, has been the inspiration for more than a dozen offbeat human interest stories over the course of his life.

Carling says he does not know why he's gained so much notoriety just for "living [his] life."

"I never really understood what all the fuss was about," says the humble Carling as he casually feeds a live rabbit to one of his nine albino Burmese pythons that somehow got loose earlier this year and turned up in a local elementary school. "I never set out to get this kind of attention. This is just how I live my life."

Talking to him on the street, one would never suspect that this is the same man who once walked backwards across the entire state of Michigan. Carling's humility and easygoing manner can also make it easy to forget that he is the proud owner of one of the largest collections of Japanese bubble-gum wrappers in the Midwest.

"I'm really no different than anyone else," says Carling of the notoriety he has garnered over the years. "How many people have had their shirt ripped from their body by rhesus monkeys because they got too close while trying to feed them peanut butter at the zoo? Hundreds, I bet. Maybe thousands."

Adds Carling: "The only difference is that someone had a camera rolling when it happened to me. If that makes me newsworthy, so be it."

Carling is often remembered as one of the "Carling Septuplets," born at exactly midnight on February 29, 1964. Others may recall Carling as the man who tirelessly solicited signatures for a petition to install a water slide in the Capitol Building in Lansing.

"I don't believe it's destiny or anything like that," says Carling as he lovingly trims and waters the lush, green blanket of grass he's grown on the hood of his 1982 Cadillac El Dorado. "When the inspiration strikes to tie 50 green helium-filled weather balloons to a lawn chair and float over the St. Patrick's Day parade, most people don't act on it. I guess it's just a question of motivation."

Though he admits he has had his share of good fortune, Carling, who once won $50,000 after making a full-court shot during a promotion at a Detroit Pistons game, is quick to point out that not all of the offbeat stories he has inspired have been lighthearted.

"A few people probably still remember that I was the only victim in that Albanian pyramid scheme," Carling said. "I never let that kind of thing get me down, but I was definitely in a real rough patch. I lost a little over $50,000."

Despite his many escapades, people can't help but wonder what's next for Carling. After all, how much can one man possibly achieve in a single lifetime?

Not to worry, Carling says. He has no plans to change.

"I'm not going to start doing anything differently just because I've been featured so many times," he says. "I'll just follow my instincts like I always have. And nothing's going to stop me until my final wish of having my cryogenically frozen body launched into outer space comes true."

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