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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Local Man Inspires 14th Offbeat News Story

BRIGHTON, MI—Whether exchanging nuptials with his first wife Susan on the roof of the hardware store where he works or patiently teaching his bulldog Louie how to use a Boogie board, it's easy to see why Brighton resident Tom Carling, 42, has been the inspiration for more than a dozen offbeat human interest stories over the course of his life.

Carling says he does not know why he's gained so much notoriety just for "living [his] life."

"I never really understood what all the fuss was about," says the humble Carling as he casually feeds a live rabbit to one of his nine albino Burmese pythons that somehow got loose earlier this year and turned up in a local elementary school. "I never set out to get this kind of attention. This is just how I live my life."

Talking to him on the street, one would never suspect that this is the same man who once walked backwards across the entire state of Michigan. Carling's humility and easygoing manner can also make it easy to forget that he is the proud owner of one of the largest collections of Japanese bubble-gum wrappers in the Midwest.

"I'm really no different than anyone else," says Carling of the notoriety he has garnered over the years. "How many people have had their shirt ripped from their body by rhesus monkeys because they got too close while trying to feed them peanut butter at the zoo? Hundreds, I bet. Maybe thousands."

Adds Carling: "The only difference is that someone had a camera rolling when it happened to me. If that makes me newsworthy, so be it."

Carling is often remembered as one of the "Carling Septuplets," born at exactly midnight on February 29, 1964. Others may recall Carling as the man who tirelessly solicited signatures for a petition to install a water slide in the Capitol Building in Lansing.

"I don't believe it's destiny or anything like that," says Carling as he lovingly trims and waters the lush, green blanket of grass he's grown on the hood of his 1982 Cadillac El Dorado. "When the inspiration strikes to tie 50 green helium-filled weather balloons to a lawn chair and float over the St. Patrick's Day parade, most people don't act on it. I guess it's just a question of motivation."

Though he admits he has had his share of good fortune, Carling, who once won $50,000 after making a full-court shot during a promotion at a Detroit Pistons game, is quick to point out that not all of the offbeat stories he has inspired have been lighthearted.

"A few people probably still remember that I was the only victim in that Albanian pyramid scheme," Carling said. "I never let that kind of thing get me down, but I was definitely in a real rough patch. I lost a little over $50,000."

Despite his many escapades, people can't help but wonder what's next for Carling. After all, how much can one man possibly achieve in a single lifetime?

Not to worry, Carling says. He has no plans to change.

"I'm not going to start doing anything differently just because I've been featured so many times," he says. "I'll just follow my instincts like I always have. And nothing's going to stop me until my final wish of having my cryogenically frozen body launched into outer space comes true."

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