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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Local Man Knows He Moved To Minneapolis For Something, But Can't Remember What

MINNEAPOLIS—After packing up his apartment and moving across the country to Minneapolis this weekend, area man Matthew Goddard told reporters that though he has a vague idea of why he relocated from Boston, he can’t quite remember exactly why he now lives in the City of Lakes. “I think I came here for a new job, or was it a girlfriend? I gotta say, I’m completely blanking on why I currently live here,” the visibly confused 31-year-old told reporters, adding that while he can’t recall having family in the metro-Minneapolis area or needing a change of pace, it’s quite possible he was accepted to grad school there, but he admitted that none of those things were ringing a bell. “Don’t get me wrong, Minneapolis is a fine city. And now that I’m here, I can definitely imagine staying for whatever it is I moved here for. Was it some sort of health reason? No, I’m fine. At least I think I’m fine.” Goddard later remembered he moved to Minneapolis because he really likes Prince.

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