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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Local Man Knows He Moved To Minneapolis For Something, But Can't Remember What

MINNEAPOLIS—After packing up his apartment and moving across the country to Minneapolis this weekend, area man Matthew Goddard told reporters that though he has a vague idea of why he relocated from Boston, he can’t quite remember exactly why he now lives in the City of Lakes. “I think I came here for a new job, or was it a girlfriend? I gotta say, I’m completely blanking on why I currently live here,” the visibly confused 31-year-old told reporters, adding that while he can’t recall having family in the metro-Minneapolis area or needing a change of pace, it’s quite possible he was accepted to grad school there, but he admitted that none of those things were ringing a bell. “Don’t get me wrong, Minneapolis is a fine city. And now that I’m here, I can definitely imagine staying for whatever it is I moved here for. Was it some sort of health reason? No, I’m fine. At least I think I’m fine.” Goddard later remembered he moved to Minneapolis because he really likes Prince.

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