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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Local Man Not Sure How He Ended Up In Boxing Entourage

LAS VEGAS—Perplexed and disoriented as he accompanied WBO light heavyweight champion Sergey “Krusher” Kovalev to the ring at the MGM Grand Garden Arena Saturday, local man Derek Hoff confirmed to reporters that he has absolutely no idea how he wound up in the boxer’s entourage. “I was just sort of walking around outside the casino, and the next thing I know I’m caught up in a big swarm of guys heading down to the ring,” said the 43-year-old claims adjuster, adding that amid the flurry of lights and blaring music inside the arena, he was somehow outfitted in a sponsor’s T-shirt and then found himself holding a title belt over his head while walking behind Kovalev. “Two minutes later, I’m holding down the ropes with my foot while he climbs into the ring. I didn’t really know what was happening, so I kind of just stood quietly in his corner until everyone else went to go sit ringside.” According to sources, Hoff was equally confused immediately after the fight when he was given a handgun and guided into the back of a limousine bound for a nearby strip club.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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