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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan™, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef™" now, it was reported Monday.

Wayne Pusak.

Pusak ordered the easy and convenient Rocket Chef™, which replaces a kitchen full of appliances, while watching TV early Monday.

"I'd been watching The Nashville Network for a while, and I guess I lost track of the time, because they go off the air around 3 or 4 in the morning," Pusak said. "Next thing I knew, it was the middle of the Household Miracles show."

Hosted by high-energy, red-suspendered Englishman John Parkin, the infomercial showed a variety of people preparing a wide range of inexpensive and tasty meals using the Rocket Chef, a space-age machine that chops, slices, blends, whisks, grates and shreds—all at the touch of a button.

"You can grate cheese with it, and shave chocolate to put on top of desserts, and mix up pancake batter and a whole bunch of other stuff," Pusak said of the handy plastic-and-metal device. "I like pancakes, but I never made them before, I guess because I didn't have the thing. So I thought I'd get one."

Added Pusak: "I like the shows where you can call and buy stuff, because it's a little like being part of the show."

The seen-on-TV Rocket Chef<SUP>&#153;</SUP>.

"It replaces all these old-fashioned kitchen appliances," Pusak said. "If I owned an egg whisk, cheese grater, garlic press or a set of butcher knives, I'd throw them away. And clean-up's a breeze."

Factoring heavily into Pusak's decision to order now was the Rocket Chef's exciting low price. "Normally, it's four payments of $19.95, which isn't much at all for a product like this," Pusak said. "But they said if I ordered now, they would make it just three, plus I'd get all this other stuff with it, like two replacement blades, the Hercules Jar Opener and the Choppaquickit."

Also weighing in the decision, Pusak said, was the product's limited availability.

"The Rocket Chef isn't sold in stores, so it's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to get your hands on," he said. "Plus, the supply was limited, so there was the danger of it selling out. I didn't want to look like some kind of dope by missing out on the big offer. I mean, operators were standing by, but suppose they weren't standing by later. I'd miss out!"

"I guess you could say I'm the kind of guy who takes action, who doesn't just stand around while time is running out on a limited-time offer," Pusak added. "Also, I already owe about $8,000 on my Visa, so I figured it wouldn't make much difference."

Among the numerous other items Pusak has ordered now over the past 20 years: a Ronco Food Dehydrator, a Mr. Microphone, a K-Tel Sounds Of Love compilation on 8-track, three sets of Ginsu knives, a Juiceman juice machine, a complete set of Anthony Robbins motivational cassettes, a Learn Magic Tricks With Dick Van Patten videocassette, two pairs of Blublockers sunglasses, a Flobee hair-suction system, and an estimated 20 "start your own business" kits by Don LaPre, Carleton Sheets, Tom Vu and others.

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