Local Man Orders Now

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Vol 35 Issue 41

Turkish Man Kiss You

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.

Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru is a very mischievous little penguin," Clinton said. "I love it when he rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. Also, he lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy with his friends Hana Maru the seal and Pandaba the panda bear. Badtz-Maru likes to take walks in the park with his pet alligator Pochi. He is so funny!" In 1997, Clinton had stated that Keroppi the frog is his favorite Sanrio character.

MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa over at Midstate Office Supply, know what I'm sayin'? Now, I know what all y'all be thinkin': Damn, that H-Dog, he a straight-up big-willie highrolla, an' if there ever wuz a person that don't need to give no props to nobody, he it. No diggity, bruthahs an' sistahs.

Dropping A Hint

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking and, although I certainly would hate to impose on any-one, it would sure be nice if I could receive the gift of a nice, new woolen shawl for Christ-mas.

Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Late Night

Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan™, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef™" now, it was reported Monday.

Wayne Pusak.

Pusak ordered the easy and convenient Rocket Chef™, which replaces a kitchen full of appliances, while watching TV early Monday.

"I'd been watching The Nashville Network for a while, and I guess I lost track of the time, because they go off the air around 3 or 4 in the morning," Pusak said. "Next thing I knew, it was the middle of the Household Miracles show."

Hosted by high-energy, red-suspendered Englishman John Parkin, the infomercial showed a variety of people preparing a wide range of inexpensive and tasty meals using the Rocket Chef, a space-age machine that chops, slices, blends, whisks, grates and shreds—all at the touch of a button.

"You can grate cheese with it, and shave chocolate to put on top of desserts, and mix up pancake batter and a whole bunch of other stuff," Pusak said of the handy plastic-and-metal device. "I like pancakes, but I never made them before, I guess because I didn't have the thing. So I thought I'd get one."

Added Pusak: "I like the shows where you can call and buy stuff, because it's a little like being part of the show."

The seen-on-TV Rocket Chef<SUP>&#153;</SUP>.

"It replaces all these old-fashioned kitchen appliances," Pusak said. "If I owned an egg whisk, cheese grater, garlic press or a set of butcher knives, I'd throw them away. And clean-up's a breeze."

Factoring heavily into Pusak's decision to order now was the Rocket Chef's exciting low price. "Normally, it's four payments of $19.95, which isn't much at all for a product like this," Pusak said. "But they said if I ordered now, they would make it just three, plus I'd get all this other stuff with it, like two replacement blades, the Hercules Jar Opener and the Choppaquickit."

Also weighing in the decision, Pusak said, was the product's limited availability.

"The Rocket Chef isn't sold in stores, so it's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to get your hands on," he said. "Plus, the supply was limited, so there was the danger of it selling out. I didn't want to look like some kind of dope by missing out on the big offer. I mean, operators were standing by, but suppose they weren't standing by later. I'd miss out!"

"I guess you could say I'm the kind of guy who takes action, who doesn't just stand around while time is running out on a limited-time offer," Pusak added. "Also, I already owe about $8,000 on my Visa, so I figured it wouldn't make much difference."

Among the numerous other items Pusak has ordered now over the past 20 years: a Ronco Food Dehydrator, a Mr. Microphone, a K-Tel Sounds Of Love compilation on 8-track, three sets of Ginsu knives, a Juiceman juice machine, a complete set of Anthony Robbins motivational cassettes, a Learn Magic Tricks With Dick Van Patten videocassette, two pairs of Blublockers sunglasses, a Flobee hair-suction system, and an estimated 20 "start your own business" kits by Don LaPre, Carleton Sheets, Tom Vu and others.

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