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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

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Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan™, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef™" now, it was reported Monday.

Wayne Pusak.

Pusak ordered the easy and convenient Rocket Chef™, which replaces a kitchen full of appliances, while watching TV early Monday.

"I'd been watching The Nashville Network for a while, and I guess I lost track of the time, because they go off the air around 3 or 4 in the morning," Pusak said. "Next thing I knew, it was the middle of the Household Miracles show."

Hosted by high-energy, red-suspendered Englishman John Parkin, the infomercial showed a variety of people preparing a wide range of inexpensive and tasty meals using the Rocket Chef, a space-age machine that chops, slices, blends, whisks, grates and shreds—all at the touch of a button.

"You can grate cheese with it, and shave chocolate to put on top of desserts, and mix up pancake batter and a whole bunch of other stuff," Pusak said of the handy plastic-and-metal device. "I like pancakes, but I never made them before, I guess because I didn't have the thing. So I thought I'd get one."

Added Pusak: "I like the shows where you can call and buy stuff, because it's a little like being part of the show."

The seen-on-TV Rocket Chef<SUP>&#153;</SUP>.

"It replaces all these old-fashioned kitchen appliances," Pusak said. "If I owned an egg whisk, cheese grater, garlic press or a set of butcher knives, I'd throw them away. And clean-up's a breeze."

Factoring heavily into Pusak's decision to order now was the Rocket Chef's exciting low price. "Normally, it's four payments of $19.95, which isn't much at all for a product like this," Pusak said. "But they said if I ordered now, they would make it just three, plus I'd get all this other stuff with it, like two replacement blades, the Hercules Jar Opener and the Choppaquickit."

Also weighing in the decision, Pusak said, was the product's limited availability.

"The Rocket Chef isn't sold in stores, so it's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to get your hands on," he said. "Plus, the supply was limited, so there was the danger of it selling out. I didn't want to look like some kind of dope by missing out on the big offer. I mean, operators were standing by, but suppose they weren't standing by later. I'd miss out!"

"I guess you could say I'm the kind of guy who takes action, who doesn't just stand around while time is running out on a limited-time offer," Pusak added. "Also, I already owe about $8,000 on my Visa, so I figured it wouldn't make much difference."

Among the numerous other items Pusak has ordered now over the past 20 years: a Ronco Food Dehydrator, a Mr. Microphone, a K-Tel Sounds Of Love compilation on 8-track, three sets of Ginsu knives, a Juiceman juice machine, a complete set of Anthony Robbins motivational cassettes, a Learn Magic Tricks With Dick Van Patten videocassette, two pairs of Blublockers sunglasses, a Flobee hair-suction system, and an estimated 20 "start your own business" kits by Don LaPre, Carleton Sheets, Tom Vu and others.