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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan™, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef™" now, it was reported Monday.

Wayne Pusak.

Pusak ordered the easy and convenient Rocket Chef™, which replaces a kitchen full of appliances, while watching TV early Monday.

"I'd been watching The Nashville Network for a while, and I guess I lost track of the time, because they go off the air around 3 or 4 in the morning," Pusak said. "Next thing I knew, it was the middle of the Household Miracles show."

Hosted by high-energy, red-suspendered Englishman John Parkin, the infomercial showed a variety of people preparing a wide range of inexpensive and tasty meals using the Rocket Chef, a space-age machine that chops, slices, blends, whisks, grates and shreds—all at the touch of a button.

"You can grate cheese with it, and shave chocolate to put on top of desserts, and mix up pancake batter and a whole bunch of other stuff," Pusak said of the handy plastic-and-metal device. "I like pancakes, but I never made them before, I guess because I didn't have the thing. So I thought I'd get one."

Added Pusak: "I like the shows where you can call and buy stuff, because it's a little like being part of the show."

The seen-on-TV Rocket Chef<SUP>&#153;</SUP>.

"It replaces all these old-fashioned kitchen appliances," Pusak said. "If I owned an egg whisk, cheese grater, garlic press or a set of butcher knives, I'd throw them away. And clean-up's a breeze."

Factoring heavily into Pusak's decision to order now was the Rocket Chef's exciting low price. "Normally, it's four payments of $19.95, which isn't much at all for a product like this," Pusak said. "But they said if I ordered now, they would make it just three, plus I'd get all this other stuff with it, like two replacement blades, the Hercules Jar Opener and the Choppaquickit."

Also weighing in the decision, Pusak said, was the product's limited availability.

"The Rocket Chef isn't sold in stores, so it's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to get your hands on," he said. "Plus, the supply was limited, so there was the danger of it selling out. I didn't want to look like some kind of dope by missing out on the big offer. I mean, operators were standing by, but suppose they weren't standing by later. I'd miss out!"

"I guess you could say I'm the kind of guy who takes action, who doesn't just stand around while time is running out on a limited-time offer," Pusak added. "Also, I already owe about $8,000 on my Visa, so I figured it wouldn't make much difference."

Among the numerous other items Pusak has ordered now over the past 20 years: a Ronco Food Dehydrator, a Mr. Microphone, a K-Tel Sounds Of Love compilation on 8-track, three sets of Ginsu knives, a Juiceman juice machine, a complete set of Anthony Robbins motivational cassettes, a Learn Magic Tricks With Dick Van Patten videocassette, two pairs of Blublockers sunglasses, a Flobee hair-suction system, and an estimated 20 "start your own business" kits by Don LaPre, Carleton Sheets, Tom Vu and others.

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