Local Man Puts Rehab Behind Him

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Vol 35 Issue 19

Painful Boil Still Too Unformed To Lance

BILLINGS, MT—A throbbing boil on the neck of Art Krenchicki is not quite ready for lancing, the 47-year-old Billings man reported Monday. "Just a couple more days, and it'll be all set," said Krenchicki, studying the inflamed, pus-filled swelling. "You can't lance them too soon, or they take even longer to heal."

Area Woman Has Already Figured Out Who Killed The Vicar

GREENSBORO, NC—Only three chapters into the Barbara Nelson Scott mystery thriller All Saints' Day, reader Mary Toback has already deduced the killer of Father Blaine, the Vicar of St. Mary's of Glasgow, it was reported Tuesday. "The angle of the stabs was consistent with a left-handed assailant," Toback told reporters. "And if you note the description of Bishop Argyll's desk on page 22, his quills are kept to the left of the writing tablet as he faces the desk." Toback did not need to remind reporters that Argyll stands to benefit more than anyone from the appointment of MacGregor as the new Vicar.

Dean Cain Fanpage Last Updated 8/14/96

MONROE, MI—The Monroe-based "I Love Dean Cain" website, dedicated to providing up-to-the-minute information on actor Dean Cain, was last updated in August 1996, sources reported Monday. "Keep this page bookmarked and come back soon for the very latest Dean Cain news!" the page urged visitors. "Coming next week: A very special preview of the Lois & Clark season premiere!!!!" Due to the lack of updating, it is not known whether Cain's favorite film is still The Princess Bride. The current status of his three dogs—Jay, Bosco and Mocha—is also undetermined.

Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA—In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of tens of thousands of Kosovars while clad only in his underwear Tuesday. "Everything in the dream was totally normal, except, for some reason, I wasn't wearing any clothes," Milosevic said. "At one point, I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself to go home and get dressed, but I had to stay and order the mass execution of 2,400 villagers in the border town of Podujevo." Last Friday, Milosevic dreamed he was taking an exam with U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke on a mound of bodies near the Macedonian border.

Booked Solid

I'm such an expert at procrastination, I finally got around to making my 1999 New Year's Resolution last week! But once you hear it, you'll forgive me, because this resolution is a real doozy!

Gore Excited After Seeing Self On TV

WASHINGTON, DC—Hours after seeing himself at the funeral of King Gustaf III of Denmark on ABC World News Tonight, an excited Al Gore called friends and family Monday to ask if they saw the televised report. "Did you see me on the news?" the vice-president asked friend Jonathan Gantner. "Peter Jennings was talking about the funeral, and then they showed Albright, and, for like five seconds, you could see me standing behind her. It was so awesome." Gore is reportedly asking around to see if anyone taped the program.

Too Many Plutocrats

I am tired of complicated things happening in my life. It means I am obliged to explain them in the next week's Message, and that I must not forget them as any decent man in the final stages of advanced senility would.

Star Wars Mania

The top-grossing movie series in history, the Star Wars saga continues this week with the long-awaited release of Episode I--The Phantom Menace. What are the reasons for the films' enormous, enduring appeal?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Local Man Puts Rehab Behind Him

SAN FRANCISCO—After a harrowing three-year battle with drug-addiction recovery, area resident Scott Fedorisko finally put rehab behind him Monday. "It's been a long and hellish road, but I'm happy to say that, once again, I'm off the life and high on drugs," said Fedorisko, tapping a heroin-filled syringe. "At last, I have put my dark days of recovery behind me and can now look forward to many years of substance-dependent bliss."

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