Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself

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Vol 39 Issue 17

Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.

Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.

Compliment Goes Horribly Awry

KNOXVILLE, TN—A compliment went horribly awry Monday, when Greg Upchurch, 26, praised girlfriend Sheri Werning, 25, for her "juicy ass." "I didn't mean fat," said Upchurch, explaining himself to the offended Werning. "By 'juicy,' I meant curvy, you know? Like, that you're really healthy and athletic, and not some sickly little stick figure." Having dug himself into a hole, Upchurch pondered comparing Werning's posterior to Jennifer Lopez's, but ultimately decided against it.

Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'

WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.

8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese

SAUSALITO, CA—In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire plate of the organic pasta for lunch Tuesday. "I like Kraft Mac & Cheese a lot better, but Mom says it's all processed and got artificial stuff in it," Remmert said. "At least it's the right color. The cheese in this stuff isn't even orange." To help wash down the all-natural pasta, Remmert was given a choice between carrot juice and vanilla-flavored Rice Dream.

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week. What do you think?
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Local Man Ruins Date By Just Being Himself

LA JOLLA, CA–Wrongly advised by friends and family to "just be himself," local tax attorney Marc Scanlon, 34, ruined a first date with Rachel Loftus by doing just that, sources close to the never-to-be couple reported Monday.

Marc Scanlon, who made the error of being relaxed and authentic on the date.

"Marc was really nervous that Rachel wouldn't like him, and he kept obsessing over his appearance, his hair, what he should wear, and how he should act on the date," said Glenn Carlson, 40, a coworker of Scanlon's at the law firm of Jenkins & Straud. "I told him not to worry, that he should just be his true self and everything would be okay. Turns out, that was bad advice. On a first date, Marc's true self is pretty much exactly what most normal women don't want."

Divorced since 2001, Scanlon met the 29-year-old Loftus through mutual acquaintance Barbara O'Neill. Thinking the two might make a good match–despite not knowing much about Scanlon personally–O'Neill set the pair up on a blind date.

The date was, according to Loftus, one of her worst ever. Sources say the blame lay in Scanlon's ill-advised decision to put pretense aside, revealing his true identity and destroying any chance he might have had with Loftus.

"I'm glad he felt comfortable being himself," said brother Chris Scanlon, 39. "But when you're in full-blown mid-30s-crisis mode with misogynist tendencies and a desperate, neurotic need for approval, maybe 'the real you' is not the best thing to put forward."

According to reports, Scanlon's profound insecurity led him to monopolize the first 45 minutes of conversation, talking about nothing but himself. Worse, his inability to get over his divorce prompted him to meticulously detail every phase of his failed marriage.

"It's totally understandable that he's still feeling hurt and emotionally shaky from the breakup," Loftus said. "But that's the sort of thing you should keep buried deep down inside when you're first letting someone get to know you."

"Sure, in theory, a guy should be able to relax and be himself," Loftus continued. "But when you have such issues about aging that you show up to a date wearing a Billy Joel 'River Of Dreams World Tour' concert T-shirt under your sportjacket, you're putting up a neon sign on your forehead that says, 'Do Not Fuck Me, Ever.' I mean, this guy's a tax lawyer in his 30s. Did he think he was coming across as rockin' or something? Please."

Loftus added that, while there is nothing inherently wrong with a date mentioning that he attended Yale University, bringing it up every 10 minutes is probably not a good idea.

"Yale this, Yale that," Loftus said. "Any way he could work it into the conversation, he would. It was so obvious that he was clinging to his Ivy League pedigree out of insecurity, as a way of making himself look like an intelligent man of substance. It really just made him look like a dick."

Scanlon's inability to self-monitor further turned off Loftus when he disclosed "way, way, way too much" about his opinions on sex and relationships.

"He must have thought the honest approach would make him look like an open, non-uptight kind of guy,'" said waitress Susan Sanders, who served the pair during their excruciating two-hour dinner engagement. "Sexual frankness and maturity are great, but there's such a thing as inappropriate personal revelations. Do you really need to mention on a first date that you're 'totally cool with porn'?"

Those close to Scanlon report that he remains unaware that the date was a disaster, leaving repeated messages on Loftus' voicemail asking when they can "hook up" again.

Carlson predicted, however, that Scanlon's insecurity will soon begin to steadily mount with each passing day his calls are not returned, and that, inevitably, he will launch into an exhaustive self-pity session over Loftus' rejection of him.

"I'm sure Marc's next date, whoever she may be, will hear all about it–if he ever gets another date," Carlson said. "If he does, I'm going to suggest he try being nothing remotely like himself."

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